The boat is still afloat.

December 4, 2008 - Thursday

The boat is still afloat. Current mood: confident Category: Life I can't figure out if this is a trial or a consequence... or maybe it's a lesson. I'm not upset... not really confused, either. I guess the best way to describe how I feel is that head tilt that dogs do when you talk to them. It's like they're saying, "I hear something, and I see you looking at me... what do you want me to do?" I'm at that place with the job search. I got a call from the guy in Klamath Falls today. I was in the shower when he called so there was a missed call and voice mail on my phone when I got back to my room. I sat down on my bed and listened to the message. Then I just stared at my phone for a few minutes... just thinking and listening... praying, really. It was quiet, I was at peace, and then I hit the callback button on my phone. I got some kind of crud (aka sickness) around the 17th or 18th of last month. I was totally out of it for a week and didn't even leave the house. I didn't do a lot of thinking during those 7 days on the couch - my brain was all cafuffled (yes, that's a technical term) due to the extreme amount of coughing. I don't really remember doing much praying or Bible reading either. When I finally left the house on the morning of the 25th I was clear enough to drive and on the 26th I went over to friend's house to house and animal sit. As I get older I like my downtime - my alone time - more and more. I get a little hermit-crab ish at times. Being at someone else's house with only animals to talk to can be a real blessing because for me the conversation usually quickly turns from, "Go pottie! Go pottie! No... GO POTTIE! Good boy!" to "So Father, talk to me about my progress. What should I be working on?" Of course there's always a list in MY mind but now that I've figured out I'm just the boat, I try to let the Captain steer me. This time around the steering wasn't so much in the way of what I needed to work on so much as what I needed to do. After finding out about Japan I did what I thought was logical: I followed up on other job leads. The biggest lead was the job in Klamath Falls. I called the hiring manager and we set up a time to meet. He told me what to expect, what the benefits and pay situation looked like, and he was very clear on the fact that it was more a ministry position than a job. At the time the specifics didn't really matter to me, I was just trying to be open to God's will. I was floating in the direction I was being steered; or so I thought. When I got to my friend's house and had quiet time to pray and listen to God I started reconsidering the Klamath Falls position. Over the years I have narrowed down and shortened quite a few of the lists that I made when I was younger. One of those lists is "What I want in a man" (my how we compromise) and another is "What is my passion?" In the Max Lucado book The Great House of God (that I'm STILL reading because it's seriously kicking my butt, I'm re-reading things to make sure they sink in, AND I'm having to skip some nights because the processing takes time) Lucado writes about the Lord's Prayer and how it is a blue print of a house which is to be our dwelling place - it's the house of God and He wants us to live WITH Him and IN Him. So the part I'm on is, "thy will be done." This is a really good chapter for me to meditate on because I have always struggled with knowing God's will. I tend to over analyze everything to the nth degree. Lucado breaks it all down and reveals (this was a DUH moment for me) that the ultimate will of God is to advance His kingdom. (Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.) It is in light of this truth that we are to live our lives - everything that we do should be done with the ultimate goal of advancing God's kingdom. This includes our career. Now this is what I really needed to hear because I've been all over the place this past year with regard to career and job issues. Lucado writes that we are to consider our passions and gifts when we think about jobs and careers. This is where that "What is my passion?" list comes into play. I HAVE narrowed down the list and here it is: working with kids, listening to and performing music, writing, and coffee. (YES, I like to drink coffee and MAYBE I'm addicted to it, but I also love serving coffee and would love to own a little coffee shop someday.) I would LOVE to have a job doing ANY of these things. I think I would enjoy any of them and I believe I could advance God's kingdom doing one of them if that's what God willed. (I mean if working at a Christian foster child placement camp can't advance the kingdom of God then I don't know what will.) So, reading what Lucado wrote, and acknowledging that working with kids is one of my passions, my thoughts immediately went to the job in Klamath Falls and I went, "Eureka! I've found it!" After that I literally didn't think another thing about it. I didn't really pray about it or seek wise counsel... I just kind of assumed! (And you know what they say...) The thing is, at least for me, sometimes God DOES work that way and sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes it's perfectly clear and logical and I think it's going to go one way because it's just so OBVIOUS and it DOES work out that way. But sometimes it's perfectly clear and logical and I think it's going to go one way because it's just so OBVIOUS and then WHAM! Out of the blue God hits me with something so unexpected (and usually pretty darn wonderful) and I think, "Whoa! Where did this come from? Did I miss something?" This time it was the latter... I missed something...at least temporarily. Sitting in KP's house, watching the dogs wrestle with each, I sort of got a mini-WHAM. Max Lucado didn't say you should definitely pick your career or job based on your passions... he said you should "consider" them. Hmmmm. CONSIDER. There was also that part about how God's ultimate will for us was to advance His kingdom. His will for US. His will for ME, as a PERSON. Okay, this might be getting confusing but hear me out. A perfect kingdom advancing job is kind of worthless if the person doing the job isn't a perfect kingdom advancing PERSON. Now I'm not saying I have to be perfect, but I do think there are some things I need to worry about in ME before I worry about what job I do. Specifically there are issues of lifestyle (finances), trust, and relationships. The lifestyle stuff has to do with how I spend what little money I have and how I need to get out of debt. The trust and relationships stuff is a little more personal. What God started to show me, sitting there on KP's sofa and watching her dog's wrestle, and what He eventually revealed to me was that the stuff I needed to work on couldn't be addressed if I went to work in Klamath Falls. There was NO way I could get out of debt working for the very small living stipend I would receive. There was very little chance of me successfully dealing with my trust issues working in a kitchen. (I revealed a little something there. LOL.) Finally, the relationships I'm struggling with? They're with people who live HERE! In my CURRENT city of residence. I got home from house and animal sitting on Saturday night (11/29) knowing that I didn't have very many days to make a decision about my interview on 12/4. I don't know that I ever really got down on my knees and prayed about it so much as just had an ongoing conversation with God about it. I just kept thinking, "Lord, You know how I over analyze this stuff. Make it clear. Give me peace. I want to do Your will." Monday morning I came over to the office to do some work since it was the first of the month and the bank statement was in. MJ came upstairs and started going through some paperwork and before long she asked, "Hey, what's going on with Klamath Falls? Are you going?" I sighed and told her I wasn't sure I was going - that I'd been having doubts. She said, "Can I tell you what I think?" I told her of course and she started bringing up a lot of the things I'd been thinking about - the finances, the kitchen, the relationship stuff. I was and wasn't amazed. LOL. It was confirmation - and not like I thought Texas was confirmed - it was Godly confirmation and I suddenly felt clear about what I was supposed to do. So today I called Klamath Falls back. After the general greetings were exchanged I very honestly and apologetically explained that I wasn't going to come to the interview... not because I didn't want to work there, but because I didn't think it was the right timing. The hiring manager was very gracious and just said, "Hey, no big deal, we'll just shelve it for now." That was that. ...and this boat is still afloat. I don't know where it's going, but I know what its purpose is... and that's really all I need to know.