The Dixon Discourse

Lord, how do I begin again? How do I live a life without sin? Where is the line between "tried hard enough" and "try harder"? Lord, what do You want me to be? What do You expect when You look at me? Why do I feel so inept at what feels like a guessing game? What haven't I done right? What things have I missed? I just want to fight the good fight - so give me my list. I know I'm not ignorant, but why do I feel like a dunce? Give me a diagram, detailed instructions, layman terms. Please! Just this once! I'm just so tired of doing the same thing each day, and nothings improving! Must be the wrong way! Lord, where do I go from here? What is this thing I fear? When will I finally overcome myself and my own undoing? Lord, what is the answer for me? I know it's in Jesus, and it's free... When will I finally take hold of His love and be healed?

Caught up in my thoughts tonight Couldn't explain if I wanted to Couldn't even put up a fight There's a problem for sure but nothing like I've let on nothing quite so pure This is more than a seven year itch more than angst or vicious cycle this is hurt so deep there's a hitch I try to give it over - hand it off But then I wrench it away from You Taking it back as if to scoff You can't handle this, only I can. Even if you are God almighty Even if I am only a daughter of man But oh... How much I fear How much I hurt How I would love for You to pry open my fingers Strong love gently peeling back each stubborn digit until finally Hands open Palms up I give it to You and You take the cup I say, "it is finished" and I die to myself. But You do not make You urge You do not take You offer My will must break for You to refashion Why not me? Lord? Why not now? How come I can't get it right? Please show me how!

I find myself at a loss for words. I find myself at a loss for specific words. I find myself at a loss for specific words that will somehow convey this message. Creative candor escapes me and all I can come up with is a police report: just the facts ma'am. I've been sick a lot lately; stomach issues mostly. My immune system is weak, too. I can catch a cold but I can't seem to catch a break. I bruise a lot easier: inside and out. I've missed a lot of work. I've been to the doctor a lot and I've filled out a lot of paperwork. I thought I was over it. I think I was wrong. I was asked to resign from work. I wanted to do the right thing. I ended up doing both. I did the right thing, and resigned. There is a messy room. It's been messy for a long time. The room has always been big enough to handle the mess. I think that may have changed. The mess didn't grow and the room didn't shrink. The walls just grew weak. The door cracked. The windows broke. There