My Life as a Nomad
What am I supposed to learn from this, and what do I do now?
I went from totally confident to totally clueless in the span of two months. Then again, before that I went from totally clueless to totally confident in 5 days. I suppose if one can happen, obviously the opposite can...
I'm so confused now. My time in Portland was great... granted I was still dealing with some of the fall out from having been sick: sleeping a lot because of the meds, dealing with the depression that had set in while I was housebound... but I loved the feeling of being there and was excited to see what was coming around the bend with school and figuring out work, social life, etc. I'd found a great church to attend, courtesy of my roommate KB, even if I hadn't been great about attending yet. I knew where all the important places were in the general vicinity of "home." I even noticed that the drive back and forth from Salem didn't seem nearly as long as I'd once condisedered it. KB was a great roommate - neither best friend nor ambivalent housemate - and managed to find a comfortable balance between college friend and Christian sister while not being opposed to or afraid of adding bits and pieces of her knowledge and experience to the mix.
I would say the first tremor came when I found out she was seriously considering a move to Arizona. A company there was courting her and she was open and excited about the idea of moving and working there. I was excited for her, but also a little concerned about where that would leave me. I wasn't worried, just wondering... Her desire was to maintain ownership of the condo so she could stay there when she would come back to town for visits. My job if everything worked out, as I later joked, would be official squatter and roundabout housesitter/renter. When KB eventually got the job it looked like everything for me would go on as planned.
Looking back I have so many questions. What did I miss? What did I get wrong? Did I interpret something one way when I should have interpretted it another? Was the fact that everything fell into place so simply a sign that it was too good to be true? One of the major issues with my relationship with my Father is that I don't doubt Him, I doubt ME.
When KB let me know that the housing situation wasn't going to work out, and that there wasn't anything either of us could do about it, I was pretty cool about it. My first thought was that I was glad she was in Arizona and gettng settled there, but really sorry things were going down like they were. My second thought was Wow, I'm glad I didn't get to move all my stuff up there. My third thought was Okay, but I do have to get the stuff that IS there.
The time table was limiting: "As soon as possible." It ended up that I moved TO Portland within a week's time of getting the okay from KB, and I was moved OUT of Portland within a week's time of finding out I had to leave.
The thing is that now I'm questioning everything, because everything sort of hinged on me being in Portland. I mean, the one thing I'm NOT questioning is the going back to school part... but I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and in the midst of all of this there is something making me question my direction of study again. Well, let me clarify - I know that whatever I study it will have something to do with teenagers, but I'm questioning the social work direction...
The one thing I'm sure of is that I am on the right path with regard to my relationship with Christ. I'm working with a Christian counselor to address some of my past issues that I allow to affect my present condition, and I'm (admittedly slowly) working through a Bible study on breaking free from things that bind me to unhealthy beliefs and behaviors. I'm back to going to my Salem church, which is great, because I missed out on a lot while I was battling my body and the "Bleh." I'm trying to be a source of encouragement to those who need me, and the list goes on and on...
But...
I'm back on the compound, sleeping in one of my parents' guest bedrooms. I've got my life packed away in totes and garbage bags in a barn that also houses the RV, two black and white feral cats, a multitude of spiders that are as big as my ear, and now two quail.
It's a difficult balance: being thankful for a roof over my head, clothes to wear (even if most of them are in the barn), food to eat, and yet mourning the lack of stability and loss of my own space - along with what little independence I had. I have beautiful home furnishings that I've collected over the years and yet I have rarely seen them displayed. I've consolidated and pared down my belongings so often that I have become the opposite of a hoarder... and have only kept the things most loved and most used.
I just have so many questions...
What jobs do I apply for? Anything I'm qualified to do? That's one of the areas where I got off track the last time I was looking for work...
Do I apply for jobs in Salem or Portland or Eugene or Bend?
In state or out of state?
Full time or part time?
Where should I apply for school?
What should I study?
Where do I get the money without doing the loan thing?
Now I'm back to full time or part time job...
I just have so many questions...
I'm trying to be still and know... but for how long?
I just have so many questions... and no answers...
yet.
To be continued...
I went from totally confident to totally clueless in the span of two months. Then again, before that I went from totally clueless to totally confident in 5 days. I suppose if one can happen, obviously the opposite can...
I'm so confused now. My time in Portland was great... granted I was still dealing with some of the fall out from having been sick: sleeping a lot because of the meds, dealing with the depression that had set in while I was housebound... but I loved the feeling of being there and was excited to see what was coming around the bend with school and figuring out work, social life, etc. I'd found a great church to attend, courtesy of my roommate KB, even if I hadn't been great about attending yet. I knew where all the important places were in the general vicinity of "home." I even noticed that the drive back and forth from Salem didn't seem nearly as long as I'd once condisedered it. KB was a great roommate - neither best friend nor ambivalent housemate - and managed to find a comfortable balance between college friend and Christian sister while not being opposed to or afraid of adding bits and pieces of her knowledge and experience to the mix.
I would say the first tremor came when I found out she was seriously considering a move to Arizona. A company there was courting her and she was open and excited about the idea of moving and working there. I was excited for her, but also a little concerned about where that would leave me. I wasn't worried, just wondering... Her desire was to maintain ownership of the condo so she could stay there when she would come back to town for visits. My job if everything worked out, as I later joked, would be official squatter and roundabout housesitter/renter. When KB eventually got the job it looked like everything for me would go on as planned.
Looking back I have so many questions. What did I miss? What did I get wrong? Did I interpret something one way when I should have interpretted it another? Was the fact that everything fell into place so simply a sign that it was too good to be true? One of the major issues with my relationship with my Father is that I don't doubt Him, I doubt ME.
When KB let me know that the housing situation wasn't going to work out, and that there wasn't anything either of us could do about it, I was pretty cool about it. My first thought was that I was glad she was in Arizona and gettng settled there, but really sorry things were going down like they were. My second thought was Wow, I'm glad I didn't get to move all my stuff up there. My third thought was Okay, but I do have to get the stuff that IS there.
The time table was limiting: "As soon as possible." It ended up that I moved TO Portland within a week's time of getting the okay from KB, and I was moved OUT of Portland within a week's time of finding out I had to leave.
The thing is that now I'm questioning everything, because everything sort of hinged on me being in Portland. I mean, the one thing I'm NOT questioning is the going back to school part... but I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and in the midst of all of this there is something making me question my direction of study again. Well, let me clarify - I know that whatever I study it will have something to do with teenagers, but I'm questioning the social work direction...
The one thing I'm sure of is that I am on the right path with regard to my relationship with Christ. I'm working with a Christian counselor to address some of my past issues that I allow to affect my present condition, and I'm (admittedly slowly) working through a Bible study on breaking free from things that bind me to unhealthy beliefs and behaviors. I'm back to going to my Salem church, which is great, because I missed out on a lot while I was battling my body and the "Bleh." I'm trying to be a source of encouragement to those who need me, and the list goes on and on...
But...
I'm back on the compound, sleeping in one of my parents' guest bedrooms. I've got my life packed away in totes and garbage bags in a barn that also houses the RV, two black and white feral cats, a multitude of spiders that are as big as my ear, and now two quail.
It's a difficult balance: being thankful for a roof over my head, clothes to wear (even if most of them are in the barn), food to eat, and yet mourning the lack of stability and loss of my own space - along with what little independence I had. I have beautiful home furnishings that I've collected over the years and yet I have rarely seen them displayed. I've consolidated and pared down my belongings so often that I have become the opposite of a hoarder... and have only kept the things most loved and most used.
I just have so many questions...
What jobs do I apply for? Anything I'm qualified to do? That's one of the areas where I got off track the last time I was looking for work...
Do I apply for jobs in Salem or Portland or Eugene or Bend?
In state or out of state?
Full time or part time?
Where should I apply for school?
What should I study?
Where do I get the money without doing the loan thing?
Now I'm back to full time or part time job...
I just have so many questions...
I'm trying to be still and know... but for how long?
I just have so many questions... and no answers...
yet.
To be continued...
Comments
Post a Comment