Don’t Make Me Angry... You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry
A very few people know that in my early 20s I went through a barrage of psychological testing when I admitted myself into a 10 day intense in-patient program at a Minirth-Meier Clinic in Portland. I had been sick off and on all year, was failing many of my college courses, and generally felt directionless and agitated all the time. I couldn't sleep, used words like "seething" and "livid" on a daily basis in my journaling, and was eating anything and everything I could get my hands on. I *thought* I was going in to the program to deal with adoption issues and a serious case of depression. What my intake examination and psychotherapy sessions revealed were that I was suffering from intense, unresolved rage. Nowadays it would be similar in some ways to a diagnosis of Intermittent Explosive Disorder, however, my episodes were less frequent and severe.
After the in-patient stay I did out-patient therapy on a fairly regular basis for the next few years. In my early 30s I went back to counseling for some follow up since there were some life “stuffs” going on, and now it’s not unheard of for me to take advantage of the free (hello!) phone counseling services I’m blessed to have with my insurance through my job.
Over the years I have had outbursts... rage fits... since I found out about my issue... *many*. Most have been unseen because I have always been a consummate actress, but I’ve also learned to delay them until I can safely process them. (Some of you may have heard me refer to needing a primal scream... that’s code... now you know.) Some have snuck out in awful displays, however, but thankfully (I’m not joking here) the only physical damage I ever did was to inanimate objects and myself.
Oh. But I have hurt the hearts of some people I love. I've frightened a few as well... 🥺 I have lots of words for lots of stuff but all I can come up with for these regrets are "heartsick" and "wretched."
The one benefit that’s come of my ability to explode when angry has been the few times I was confronted by scary people. There’s an unearthly feeling of power, and an adrenaline rush, when you realize you will come out of this situation alive, because you see the look in the eyes of your would be aggressor go from menacing to “holy crap,” as your wild-eyed, crazy version of the Incredible Hulk makes her way to surface. Zip it up, back it up, turn around, and run!
Thankfully, it's been a good while, some years, since I had that much rage well up inside me. The counseling and relationships I’ve had have helped, and the truth is I’m also just getting a little more mellow as I age.
But!
I have to be honest: the majority of my healing has come through my relationship with Jesus, and the study of His word. And yesterday, as I read my Bible study lesson by Louie Giglio, I was reminded of that. Now this isn’t a commentary on anything going on in the news right now - regardless of whether it seems like it could apply or not. This is an encouragement to those of you who, like me, acknowledge their anger; their sometimes unexplainable rage, and want to change. This is an exhortation to seek Him and His ways and know that you can find comfort, healing, and peace in Christ.
“In the story of David and Goliath, we don’t see a lot of anger coming from David. What we do see is a lot of angry people around him. One such individual, as we have seen, was his older brother, who “burned with anger at him” (1 Samuel 17:28). Eliab should have been supportive of David when he arrived at the battlefront. But the anger in heart had been simmering for some time, waiting for the opportunity to erupt. And erupt it did.
Anger isn’t necessarily wrong in and of itself. The Bible reveals that there is a time to be angry and a time to rightly express your anger (see James 1:19). Jesus even felt anger at times (see Mark 3:5). However, anger becomes a giant when it works its way into your life and simmers under the surface, just as Eliab’s simmered under the surface.
One way to know this is happening is if you feel angry about something that never happened. Maybe you thought a friend did something against you, but in reality he or she never did. Your anger was wrongly felt. Or perhaps you have a genuine reason to be angry but express it in the wrong ways. Like Eliab, your pent-up anger rages out and damages people. Or perhaps you have rightly felt anger but fail to express it. Repressing your anger poses huge health risks and is truly one of the most destructive things you can do.
So, how do you overcome this giant called anger? How do you experience the victory that Jesus has already won over it? It begins by recognizing lasting change seldom arrives instantaneously. More often, God morphs your life little by little. The key to real change in your spiritual life is to consistently fill yourself up with faith—and continually link up with what Jesus is doing within you. Read God’s Word and substitute your anger with the truths you find there. Replace the angry conversations you are having in your mind with prayers for the people who have wronged you. Align yourself with God’s will and invite Jesus to have full reign in your heart.
It helps in this regard to remind yourself that you aren’t perfect. God forgave you, so you can forgive others. God made peace with you through Jesus on the cross, so when you are angry, rally back around the cross. Understand that God is your avenger, and he has freed you to make peace with others. Recognize that what he did for you is greater than what anyone could ever do against you. By Christ’s power, it is possible to forgive those with whom you are angry—and release the pain that has been poisoning your life.
It is also important to remember you are a son or daughter of God. Remind yourself of this fact daily. You may have been rejected by others and made to feel insignificant, but in God’s eyes you are loved, safe, secure, and significant. Let Jesus’ voice speak above the other voices that are trying to be heard in your life.
In the end, taking down the giant of anger is really about letting go of control. So do as David did and focus on God rather than the people who have wronged you. As you do, you will be freed to move forward in God’s power and do what he has called you to do.”
After the in-patient stay I did out-patient therapy on a fairly regular basis for the next few years. In my early 30s I went back to counseling for some follow up since there were some life “stuffs” going on, and now it’s not unheard of for me to take advantage of the free (hello!) phone counseling services I’m blessed to have with my insurance through my job.
Over the years I have had outbursts... rage fits... since I found out about my issue... *many*. Most have been unseen because I have always been a consummate actress, but I’ve also learned to delay them until I can safely process them. (Some of you may have heard me refer to needing a primal scream... that’s code... now you know.) Some have snuck out in awful displays, however, but thankfully (I’m not joking here) the only physical damage I ever did was to inanimate objects and myself.
Oh. But I have hurt the hearts of some people I love. I've frightened a few as well... 🥺 I have lots of words for lots of stuff but all I can come up with for these regrets are "heartsick" and "wretched."
The one benefit that’s come of my ability to explode when angry has been the few times I was confronted by scary people. There’s an unearthly feeling of power, and an adrenaline rush, when you realize you will come out of this situation alive, because you see the look in the eyes of your would be aggressor go from menacing to “holy crap,” as your wild-eyed, crazy version of the Incredible Hulk makes her way to surface. Zip it up, back it up, turn around, and run!
Thankfully, it's been a good while, some years, since I had that much rage well up inside me. The counseling and relationships I’ve had have helped, and the truth is I’m also just getting a little more mellow as I age.
But!
I have to be honest: the majority of my healing has come through my relationship with Jesus, and the study of His word. And yesterday, as I read my Bible study lesson by Louie Giglio, I was reminded of that. Now this isn’t a commentary on anything going on in the news right now - regardless of whether it seems like it could apply or not. This is an encouragement to those of you who, like me, acknowledge their anger; their sometimes unexplainable rage, and want to change. This is an exhortation to seek Him and His ways and know that you can find comfort, healing, and peace in Christ.
“In the story of David and Goliath, we don’t see a lot of anger coming from David. What we do see is a lot of angry people around him. One such individual, as we have seen, was his older brother, who “burned with anger at him” (1 Samuel 17:28). Eliab should have been supportive of David when he arrived at the battlefront. But the anger in heart had been simmering for some time, waiting for the opportunity to erupt. And erupt it did.
Anger isn’t necessarily wrong in and of itself. The Bible reveals that there is a time to be angry and a time to rightly express your anger (see James 1:19). Jesus even felt anger at times (see Mark 3:5). However, anger becomes a giant when it works its way into your life and simmers under the surface, just as Eliab’s simmered under the surface.
One way to know this is happening is if you feel angry about something that never happened. Maybe you thought a friend did something against you, but in reality he or she never did. Your anger was wrongly felt. Or perhaps you have a genuine reason to be angry but express it in the wrong ways. Like Eliab, your pent-up anger rages out and damages people. Or perhaps you have rightly felt anger but fail to express it. Repressing your anger poses huge health risks and is truly one of the most destructive things you can do.
So, how do you overcome this giant called anger? How do you experience the victory that Jesus has already won over it? It begins by recognizing lasting change seldom arrives instantaneously. More often, God morphs your life little by little. The key to real change in your spiritual life is to consistently fill yourself up with faith—and continually link up with what Jesus is doing within you. Read God’s Word and substitute your anger with the truths you find there. Replace the angry conversations you are having in your mind with prayers for the people who have wronged you. Align yourself with God’s will and invite Jesus to have full reign in your heart.
It helps in this regard to remind yourself that you aren’t perfect. God forgave you, so you can forgive others. God made peace with you through Jesus on the cross, so when you are angry, rally back around the cross. Understand that God is your avenger, and he has freed you to make peace with others. Recognize that what he did for you is greater than what anyone could ever do against you. By Christ’s power, it is possible to forgive those with whom you are angry—and release the pain that has been poisoning your life.
It is also important to remember you are a son or daughter of God. Remind yourself of this fact daily. You may have been rejected by others and made to feel insignificant, but in God’s eyes you are loved, safe, secure, and significant. Let Jesus’ voice speak above the other voices that are trying to be heard in your life.
In the end, taking down the giant of anger is really about letting go of control. So do as David did and focus on God rather than the people who have wronged you. As you do, you will be freed to move forward in God’s power and do what he has called you to do.”
Comments
Post a Comment