I Think It's Too Heavy for Me
 | Current mood:  peaceful Category: Friends Physically I've always been pretty strong... I've even been called a "force to be reckoned with" by some of those who have seen me in action. In the past few years I've had the opportunity to move quite a bit, and while my stamina for going up and down stairs has waned over time (I fear I'm truly getting old) I'm still able to hold my own, and then some, when it comes to carrying large pieces of furniture and heavy boxes. Just ask Casey or Josh. I've recently discovered, however, that regardless of my physical prowess or current state of physical fitness, the one burden that I've become unable to carry is that of being unforgiving. I think it's too heavy for me. I used to think it was important for me to forgive people because they needed to have a clean slate before God. I grin as I write because of my naive notion that I was doing them the favor. You see people are imperfect, and if God can forgive them then surely I can. Notice how I worded that? There's quite a bit of self-importance in that statement. Mind you I didn't say, "You see we are imperfect, and if God can forgive us then surely I can forgive others." No, I didn't include myself in that statement. I equated myself more with God than I did my fellow human beings. It's both humorous and humiliating to know and admit that this is truly how I've been. That is not to say that I have a perfect record of forgiveness now, not by any means! I still struggle with giving up and getting over my anger and frustration when people disappoint or hurt me. I think the hardest part for me is forgiving when there is no closure or reconciliation to a situation. In my sometimes well-meaning but often misdirected world I struggle with having loose ends. I like things to end in a neat and tidy fashion, regardless of whether the ending is a happy one or not. For quite some time, now, it's been as if I've had a mental checklist. The final three items on the list are "closure", "forgiveness" and "forget." In some situations I haven't been able to check off "forgiveness" because I haven't been able to check off "closure." It's become a burden that I'm unable to carry any farther. Something has to give…I'm fairly certain it will be me. I know I've been told, more than once, that my forgiving others is imperative to the success of my relationship with Christ… as are repentance and personal forgiveness. It's sad that I often have to hear, see or experience something multiple times before the lesson of that event sets in. At times I wonder, when it comes to life lessons, if perhaps I'm learning disabled: or possibly developmentally delayed? Or, maybe I'm simply still young in my faith in that area, just as in other areas I'm more discerning. Regardless of my reasons for having to take this "course" over and over again, by George, I think I've finally got it. I'm actually quite embarrassed at the simplicity of it, really. Beyond the fact that the Bible tells me I should forgive because Christ forgave me (and this is reason enough, of course…but obedience has never been my strong suit) I've found that forgiving, with or without closure, just makes me feel better! It's comparable to receiving a get out of jail free card. Holding a grudge: hanging on to frustration just because I'm not getting my way… that is imprisonment for me. It reminds me of Lady Catherine DeBurghe from Pride and Prejudice… and I don't want to end up bitter, sitting home alone while the weddings of the century are going on! (Okay that may not make sense to most of you, but watch the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice and you'll get it.) This thing forgiveness is not a science… there's no formula or calculation that will make it happen automatically once things have been put in motion. It's more like an art form: to be practiced and honed to perfection. True, some people may have a natural talent for it, but even natural talent can be improved upon and new techniques can be learned. So, Father, please forgive me of my trespasses as I am learning to forgive those who have trespassed against me. It's really difficult in some situations so I'm probably going to need help. I thank You in advance for helping me and pray that You help any others who might read this to forgive me if I've done anything that warrants forgiveness… and I'm pretty sure there was something somewhere along the way. I ask these things in Jesus' name...Amen.
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