A rainbow colored, abscessed, monster of a thing.
Originally started October 2018.
Gosh, I've needed to write for such a long time. I can't even get into journaling for some reason. I don't even care if anyone reads this, that's not the point... I just need to talk - unhindered and unfettered - talk.
Y'know how when you get a splinter under your fingernail and you can see the thing so you know it's there? So you get your extraction tools: fingernail clippers, tweezers, maybe a sewing needle or push pin, if you're my dad you get a pocket knife... if you're over 35 you get your reading glasses... you get peroxide or rubbing alcohol... everything you need and then you go in for minor surgery. You poke around and scrape the underside of the nail. You pull at something dark and then realize it's just dirt. You pick at it a little too hard and maybe it bleeds a little. Then finally you pull the smallest of little slivers out and think, "Yes! I got it." You look closely at the shard of wood and then back at the nail and you wonder if you're seeing things. Is that still a little something under the nail, there? Surely not, it feels so much better. It's probably just dirt... So you douse the nail with peroxide and let it fizz until it stops fizzing and assume that over time with washing your hands and clipping your nails, the little piece of dirt will wash out or grow out.
And over the next few months you notice that the little dark spot disappears, and soon you don't even consider the fact that you even had a splinter there. It's as if it never happened. Until one day, you hit that finger just right and over the next few days it turns into a rainbow colored, abscessed, monster of a thing.
That's me right now: a rainbow colored, abscessed, monster of a thing.
I wish I wasn't. But wishing is worthless. Right now I feel worthless.
Gosh, I've needed to write for such a long time. I can't even get into journaling for some reason. I don't even care if anyone reads this, that's not the point... I just need to talk - unhindered and unfettered - talk.
Y'know how when you get a splinter under your fingernail and you can see the thing so you know it's there? So you get your extraction tools: fingernail clippers, tweezers, maybe a sewing needle or push pin, if you're my dad you get a pocket knife... if you're over 35 you get your reading glasses... you get peroxide or rubbing alcohol... everything you need and then you go in for minor surgery. You poke around and scrape the underside of the nail. You pull at something dark and then realize it's just dirt. You pick at it a little too hard and maybe it bleeds a little. Then finally you pull the smallest of little slivers out and think, "Yes! I got it." You look closely at the shard of wood and then back at the nail and you wonder if you're seeing things. Is that still a little something under the nail, there? Surely not, it feels so much better. It's probably just dirt... So you douse the nail with peroxide and let it fizz until it stops fizzing and assume that over time with washing your hands and clipping your nails, the little piece of dirt will wash out or grow out.
And over the next few months you notice that the little dark spot disappears, and soon you don't even consider the fact that you even had a splinter there. It's as if it never happened. Until one day, you hit that finger just right and over the next few days it turns into a rainbow colored, abscessed, monster of a thing.
That's me right now: a rainbow colored, abscessed, monster of a thing.
I wish I wasn't. But wishing is worthless. Right now I feel worthless.
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