Accountability
Most of my close friends and family know what's been going on with me and my intestines. Despite the severity of things I have tried to keep things light. I've tried to not be that whiny person who focuses on the negative. Unfortunately, acting positive doesn't always translate to doing. By that I mean that I have been a bit of a bedroom, bathroom and recliner potato for the past 8 months. I have attempted to be get out a little, or have people over, but have cancelled a lot of those engagements - many at the last minute.
Today I had planned on accomplishing a little bit of personal stuff - finishing some cleaning at the old residence and picking up a final piece of furniture for the room where I now live. It has been a rough week, though, with a lot of eruptions and even some new pain in my joints. When I went to the doctor yesterday I was also informed that my blood pressure was up - way up - and that didn't settle very well with me. So when I woke up dizzy this morning, and ready to toss up last night's dinner, I figured it might be better if I stayed home and attempted a little light housework here. I sent a text message to the involved party and was a little surprised to find out that my cleaning and moving chores had been mistaken for more than what I'd planned, and in cancelling I had messed up someone else's jam packed schedule.
Rather than continue the texting I made a call and was greeted with quite a bit of frustration - frustration which I believe to be valid because I have had to cancel and reschedule a lot with this person. I made the point that I wasn't aware other things had been tacked onto my plans but wasn't really able to complete the sentence because the person I was speaking with felt like I was being catty or something and just said to, "forget it." I wasn't trying to be catty, I just wanted to explain that had I known there were other expectations and that my plans were intertwined with their plans, I would have tried to accommodate both of our situations. But instead of being able to speak I was told that I needed to be held accountable and that they realize that in doing so I would probably retaliate by cancelling more often or cancelling altogether, but that they hoped I would be "mature" and not do that. I was then reminded of how much they had done for me and how often they had dealt with my cancellations and how they had tried to be understanding but they just couldn't remain quiet anymore.
My response was simply to say that I understood their frustration - I agreed there had been a lot of cancellations. I apologized and said that while I had originally planned to address certain non-phyiscal things Saturday afternoon, I could definitely come over and do some non-physical stuff today. At this point I don't know if there will be time for it or not, but I'm supposed to get a call if that's what is desired.
It seems like I am the one who makes the most mistakes in my world. I say this because I am all too aware of my imperfections and short comings, but also because I seem to be the only person who "needs to be held accountable" for their actions. Or at least I am the only person who IS held accountable. I feel like I am open to communication, and willing to admit when I am wrong and apologize. Why is it that no one else does this? In my circle of "people" no one else gets spoken to the way I do. No one else gets told the things I do. Why is that? If I'm so readily immature about things, why am I one of the few who manages to usually remain open to criticism, even if I don't agree with it? Why do I get the confrontation and everyone else gets to continue acting like an ass, especially when I'm one of the younger ones? Does being older mean you get away with things? Is it about being stronger? Is it my tendency to earnestly listen, attempt to understand, usually cry and actually feel things the reason why I'm the one who gets held accountable the most?
Should I become the bitch who really doesn't care about what anyone else says or does, and tell everyone who confronts me to screw off? Should I tell them it's their problem, not mine, and that they are wrong and liars and so on? That's pretty much what the rest of the people in my world do. I think THAT would be immature... that would be worth raising a voice over. But I don't do that - I listen, I apologize for hurting feelings or seeming careless. I have freaked out once or twice in the midst of a confrontation, but I have taken responsibility for that and apologized. People rarely apologize to me - probably because most things are usually my fault. I am the selfish one. I am the careless one. I am the rude one. I am the immature one.
I think the key to all of this is in that word, "one." I am the only one. I don't have a mate or a family to stand behind me. No one takes my side. I can't go home after something like this and vent to my husband or get hugs from my kids. I don't even have my own pet. I'm alone in THIS world. I am not a victim by any means, but I am easy prey - an easy and safe target for people to throw their venomous darts at - even the good intentioned venomous darts. Because I have always been a sponge - able to absorb the blows and forgive, able to be resilient and bounce back, because of this I get held accountable.
I think that sucks.
Then again, life isn't fair - and I'm not a perfect martyr, let alone a martyr at all. Do I stop being the person I feel I need to be? How do I remain balanced on this? I'm the only person who can do for me, but when I have a valid reason to chose me over someone else I am told I'm being selfish. What happens if, in the midst of me trying to be selfless, I compromise my health or sanity? Do I just leave that to God and hope for the best? But then, didn't He give us the ability to think and chose for ourselves? Where is the line? How do I achieve both personal health AND selflessness? Does a good reason for saying no become a bad reason if it's used a lot? Am I responsible for things I don't know about? Do I get to have expectations of maturity and kindness from those who expect or demand it from me?
I don't know. I just know that I'm on one end of a rope giving slack in an attempt to presume good intentions, acknowledge personal fault, and trying to make decisions that do not negatively impact others, but my hands are getting sweaty and I find I slip a little more down the rope each day. I know there is ultimately a Safety Net - I know there is nothing that can be done to my soul - but my body, along with my heart, is in bad shape and at times I'm not sure it will survive the fall... and I will be accountable for that as well.
Today I had planned on accomplishing a little bit of personal stuff - finishing some cleaning at the old residence and picking up a final piece of furniture for the room where I now live. It has been a rough week, though, with a lot of eruptions and even some new pain in my joints. When I went to the doctor yesterday I was also informed that my blood pressure was up - way up - and that didn't settle very well with me. So when I woke up dizzy this morning, and ready to toss up last night's dinner, I figured it might be better if I stayed home and attempted a little light housework here. I sent a text message to the involved party and was a little surprised to find out that my cleaning and moving chores had been mistaken for more than what I'd planned, and in cancelling I had messed up someone else's jam packed schedule.
Rather than continue the texting I made a call and was greeted with quite a bit of frustration - frustration which I believe to be valid because I have had to cancel and reschedule a lot with this person. I made the point that I wasn't aware other things had been tacked onto my plans but wasn't really able to complete the sentence because the person I was speaking with felt like I was being catty or something and just said to, "forget it." I wasn't trying to be catty, I just wanted to explain that had I known there were other expectations and that my plans were intertwined with their plans, I would have tried to accommodate both of our situations. But instead of being able to speak I was told that I needed to be held accountable and that they realize that in doing so I would probably retaliate by cancelling more often or cancelling altogether, but that they hoped I would be "mature" and not do that. I was then reminded of how much they had done for me and how often they had dealt with my cancellations and how they had tried to be understanding but they just couldn't remain quiet anymore.
My response was simply to say that I understood their frustration - I agreed there had been a lot of cancellations. I apologized and said that while I had originally planned to address certain non-phyiscal things Saturday afternoon, I could definitely come over and do some non-physical stuff today. At this point I don't know if there will be time for it or not, but I'm supposed to get a call if that's what is desired.
It seems like I am the one who makes the most mistakes in my world. I say this because I am all too aware of my imperfections and short comings, but also because I seem to be the only person who "needs to be held accountable" for their actions. Or at least I am the only person who IS held accountable. I feel like I am open to communication, and willing to admit when I am wrong and apologize. Why is it that no one else does this? In my circle of "people" no one else gets spoken to the way I do. No one else gets told the things I do. Why is that? If I'm so readily immature about things, why am I one of the few who manages to usually remain open to criticism, even if I don't agree with it? Why do I get the confrontation and everyone else gets to continue acting like an ass, especially when I'm one of the younger ones? Does being older mean you get away with things? Is it about being stronger? Is it my tendency to earnestly listen, attempt to understand, usually cry and actually feel things the reason why I'm the one who gets held accountable the most?
Should I become the bitch who really doesn't care about what anyone else says or does, and tell everyone who confronts me to screw off? Should I tell them it's their problem, not mine, and that they are wrong and liars and so on? That's pretty much what the rest of the people in my world do. I think THAT would be immature... that would be worth raising a voice over. But I don't do that - I listen, I apologize for hurting feelings or seeming careless. I have freaked out once or twice in the midst of a confrontation, but I have taken responsibility for that and apologized. People rarely apologize to me - probably because most things are usually my fault. I am the selfish one. I am the careless one. I am the rude one. I am the immature one.
I think the key to all of this is in that word, "one." I am the only one. I don't have a mate or a family to stand behind me. No one takes my side. I can't go home after something like this and vent to my husband or get hugs from my kids. I don't even have my own pet. I'm alone in THIS world. I am not a victim by any means, but I am easy prey - an easy and safe target for people to throw their venomous darts at - even the good intentioned venomous darts. Because I have always been a sponge - able to absorb the blows and forgive, able to be resilient and bounce back, because of this I get held accountable.
I think that sucks.
Then again, life isn't fair - and I'm not a perfect martyr, let alone a martyr at all. Do I stop being the person I feel I need to be? How do I remain balanced on this? I'm the only person who can do for me, but when I have a valid reason to chose me over someone else I am told I'm being selfish. What happens if, in the midst of me trying to be selfless, I compromise my health or sanity? Do I just leave that to God and hope for the best? But then, didn't He give us the ability to think and chose for ourselves? Where is the line? How do I achieve both personal health AND selflessness? Does a good reason for saying no become a bad reason if it's used a lot? Am I responsible for things I don't know about? Do I get to have expectations of maturity and kindness from those who expect or demand it from me?
I don't know. I just know that I'm on one end of a rope giving slack in an attempt to presume good intentions, acknowledge personal fault, and trying to make decisions that do not negatively impact others, but my hands are getting sweaty and I find I slip a little more down the rope each day. I know there is ultimately a Safety Net - I know there is nothing that can be done to my soul - but my body, along with my heart, is in bad shape and at times I'm not sure it will survive the fall... and I will be accountable for that as well.
A couple of thoughts... You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings or opinions. If what you are doing or how you are doing it is offensive to them, they can choose to set some different boundaries with you. If it's really an issue they can stop saying "yes" to arrangments made with you. Then the ball is in your court to either change your behavior (if possible) or modify your relationship.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, do not assume that people who are married or have kids automatically have someone "on their side". Just because they might have a body to vent to doesn't mean that they neccessarily get a listening ear or supportive word. (Sometimes just further salt in the wound!)
Third, you know the truth. If you really are being immature or flaky, then take the confrontation for what it's worth and use it to grow. If you know that your situation is in an extreme spot right now and it's not normally part of your character, then be like a duck and let that insensitive criticism roll off your back. (easier said than done, huh?)
Yep, I hear you. It astounds me that people can behave to me in ways that would have ME called up on the carpet, but even a little mild self-defense on my part makes them come unglued.
ReplyDeleteI once found myself apologizing for the WEATHER, and that would be much funnier if the person I was apologizing to hadn't calmly accepted my apology.
And for what it's worth ... being married makes no difference. Sometimes it just means you get to be at fault 24/7 instead of only part-time.