Life Isn't Fair: The Morning After

March 17, 2007 - Saturday

Life Isn't Fair: The Morning After Current mood: okay Category: Life I love the fact that at 36 years old I know enough about me to be able to "predict" how things will be the day after a struggle. That's not to say that I'm some kind of "know thyself" guru, I've just come to the point where I can acknowledge how I work. Even before I went to bed last night, after writing about Candace, I was beginning to see clearly. As I lay down, cough drop in mouth and anti-wrinkle cream on my eyes, I realized that growing up I wish my parents had taken into consideration some of my past issues. I wish they had been more gentle with me in many situations, more lenient in others, and more hands-on in most. I have often thought, "Man, if they had only treated me the way I needed to be treated and not the way they thought I should have been treated." I do take into consideration that as children we think we know what we need when in fact we are fairly narcissistic and basically just want our own way. Still, some of my "issues," and there were a number of them, were never even acknowledged let alone dealt with. For whatever reason, however, God allowed me to end up fairly normal despite my issues. In other words, He extended to me more grace and mercy than I deserved. I went to sleep thinking about all the times I had been "saved" from situations, people and myself. This morning when I woke up, it seemed as if all of my angst was gone. I woke up cheerful and almost carefree. The first thing I thought about was the issue of fairness and why I was so frustrated last night. It hit me that growing up I had been the "victim" of unfairness. There were double standards all around me. What was done for one situation was not done for another. The consequence for a wrong doing wasn't the same for each person who did it. I got in trouble for things other people didn't get in trouble for and I often ended up not getting the rewards that other people got when we had accomplished the same thing to the same degree of excellence. I know how it feels to be treated unfairly so I empathize with those who are treated that way as well. On the flip side of the coin, I am exceedingly intolerant toward those who are not punished like I was, or receive rewards when they are no more deserving (and often less deserving) than the person sitting next to them. I have a heightened awareness of and sensitivity to it and try to be a leveling agent to an extent. In my classroom I preach the message of, "life isn't fair but my classroom will come as close to it as possible." I guess I want to give them one safe place in their lives where they can walk in at the start of class and know that they will be treated as fairly possible. Y'see it's easy to explain to them that after they graduate they won't be assured of life being fair because they've already experienced unfairness...haven't we all? But it's hard to expect a child to understand cause and effect when they don't receive their fair share of consequence at home or in school. Sometimes, by the time they get to me, they are almost ruined for life. It's not their fault, but does it excuse the behaviors? Does it mean I can't still try to impart the lessons of fairness in both rewards and consequences? I try to do both. I try to be fair with rewards and consistent with consequences. So, the conclusion I've come to is that I haven't come to one. I don't know what to do about Candace. Confrontation hasn't worked. She is too self absorbed to care for more than a few minutes about what anyone else thinks or feels. Mercy and grace haven't worked because she has a warped sense of entitlement and thinks she always deserves the easy way out. I'm at my wits end so I must literally leave her at the foot of the thrown of God and trust that He will handle it in ways that I will never understand. Then, I must also leave my own hurts and areas of disenchantment at His feet and pray that He will work on my sense of entitlement that at times leads me to believe that I have the right to demand justice from Him. The fact is that I can only do what I am able and I should only do what I have been directed. My job is to stay within His will for MY life. Period. End of story. Here we are again. No closure, no neat and tidy solution to a problem. My how the Lord is stretching me this year. Perhaps I'll actually learn something.