Twelve Days of Thinking Revealed
 | Current mood:  relaxed Category: Life It's pretty common for me to have "thinker days." I tend to be introspective (some say too analytical) so I think a lot. It's rare, however, for me to have "thinker weeks" or even twelve days of thinking. Anything can happen once, though, right?
It started on Easter Sunday, April 8th. I took my niece and nephews to see "Meet the Robinsons" and we all had a great time, but I was surprised at how much it affected me. I wasn't aware of the subject matter when I went in. The story is about a little boy who is orphaned shortly after birth and left to grow up in an orphanage. His main goal growing up is finding his family: the mother who gave him up. His secondary goal in life is to invent something that doesn't break or blow up: success. The moral ends up being that family is more than just what you're born with, and failure is an integral part of success.
There are times when I hear people doubt God's existence. I have one person in my life, someone who is not a believer and significantly younger than me, who constantly debates God's presence in this world. Even though I know it would have no effect on him, I would love to bring up this movie and how it affected me. The timing couldn't have been more perfect: it couldn't have been more divinely orchestrated. I've been struggling lately with knowing who I am and how I fit in, and I've been struggling with issues of success. I'm adopted and I've met my biological family, but the pieces are not necessarily all in place. Seeing this movie on the day that we honor Christ for giving us the ultimate opportunity to know who we are, and seeing it when I was desperately in need of having some affirmation about my identity and my purpose…what is the likelihood? I pondered this and much more for pretty much the rest of the day.
On Monday, the 9th, I woke up in a fairly mellow mood but by the end of the day I was thrashed. My students have spring fever and my seniors have senioritis. It's almost unbearable. My definition of success for that day was that I survived but I felt like I had done more failing than anything. That got me thinking more about the movie and how much I had fallen under the spell of the world's idea of success and failure. I get caught up in how much I don't make and what I don't have. I forget about what I do have. I forget about the impact I'm making on the future and really, on eternity. Failure isn't about what I don't have, it's about what I don't take away from lessons offered.
Tuesday 4/10 was a day of thinking about relationships… same old story about the same old stuff. The beginnings of a crush bring up thoughts about dating and dating thoughts lead to marriage thoughts. Then there's the realization that it might not happen. The world often defines people by their marital status. I can't give in to that. I am not less of a success because I'm not married or dating. I'm not family-less because I have no children of my own. I just wish other people knew that…I wish they understood how full my life is. I'm not saying I don't get lonely for a partner. I just wish people could grasp the concept of me being happy to have alone time or being able to come home to an empty house. It's a real blessing at times. I head out after school to my brother's house and work on the accounting. The kids are funny but things are so hectic there. I get home around 9 and walk into my wonderfully vacant and silent apartment.
April 11, Wednesday, and I wake up in pain. All day I fight the urge to fall on the floor and cry. I'm a trooper and suck it up. Then I get a call from my surgeon. Finally! I'll have an answer: I can schedule the surgery at my leisure but the deductible has to be paid up front: two thousand dollars. Now I have a pain in my side and a pain in my head. Where in the world am I going to get that much money all at once? The tape begins to play, Lord, what do I do? I'm so pathetic! I can't even come up with money for surgery. I'll never have any money; I'll always be paycheck to paycheck. I'll be thinking about this for the next four days while I try to get over another gallbladder attack. If I don't know what to do then I shouldn't do anything, right. A new, better tape starts playing in my head like it's looped "Be still and know that I am God."
Monday morning brings horrible news. I arrive at school and try to engage my students in a discussion about what is now considered the worst shooting massacre in US history. Most of my kids seem unmoved. I am moved to tears not only by what has happened in Virginia, but also by the apathy I see in some of the faces of my students. Lord, I know why this stuff happens…it's because of sin. I know it's not Your will and yet I know You will somehow manage to bring it about for good. But what about these kids who act as if they couldn't care less? How do I reach them? How do I help them see this tragedy for what it is? Tuesday morning the journal topic is the Virginia Tech shootings. I ask them to imagine they have lost a loved one in the shooting and then tell them to write their feelings out. We talk for just a little bit about losing a brother or sister, a boyfriend or girlfriend. There is a glimmer of understanding in some of their eyes as they "get it." Even more understanding comes out in their journals. Still, it's lost on a few. It's two steps forward, one step back these days. Perhaps knowing I need a positive ending to an emotional day the Lord provides me with a surprise. My performance review is today. I'd forgotten. Now I'm nervous. It ends up okay, though…in fact it was pretty good! I have stuff to work on but for the most part my boss is pleased with what's going on in my classroom. My students like and respect me, classroom behavior is remarkably improved and my peers find me pleasant, intelligent and professional. YAY! Wednesday night at the gallery I come to the realization that I need to make some decisions about things. I have a hunch things are not as they seem: more thinking…
Thursday, April 19, the drive in to work is horrible. My car was broken into, again, so I'm running late, on the phone with ineffective police, and I'm struggling with student stuff and bummed about personal stuff. Funny thing, where God closes one door He opens another. One thing gets me down and another lifts me up and gives me something to grin about. More thinking… Thursday evening I head over to the brother's house to do the books. I end up getting some quality Josh and Jordan time: it's a perfect ending to an allover the place day. Then, on the way home, the hunch I'd had and the decisions I'd made the night before come into play. They are the right decisions but leave some residual pain that I wasn't expecting: more thinking plus some temporary hurting.
Friday, ah Friday. I'm relaxed and the day is fun and lively. I realize I've done a lot of processing without realizing I've been processing. I've got to get this stuff down. Record it for posterity…or just so I can remember it later when I'm struggling. I'll do it tomorrow at the gallery. I get a phone call from a niece: trouble has sprung up and I am needed. I can change gears now. I can focus on someone else and their issues for a little bit.
The realizations and epiphanies at that moment are innumerable. |
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