It's Not You; It's Me
 | Current mood:  calm Have you ever been in a relationship that ended abruptly with the phrase It's not you; it's me? It doesn't really matter who the relationship was with, or the type of relationship it was, it just ended and the ending seemed to come out of nowhere. Ive been in a few of those kind of relationships, and while over the years it has become easier for me to deal with the end, it still amazes me how it knocks the wind out of you when it happens. I mean its like you're walking along and all of a sudden someone comes at you from behind and slaps a huge boat oar into your back. Even if you hear them coming or recognize that you are going to get a scare, you still have no clue just how shocking and painful it's going to be. That's why I've started calling it, "Getting the oar." That's how I think it feels: like being hit on the back with a boat oar. Wow, cute guys in the mall today. OOPS! I digress. Anyway, I have recently fallen victim to the oar and I need to take some time to talk about it, ask some rhetorical questions, and get this out in the open. I don't really expect to get any answers, but if anyone reads this and can find a little peace from it, then I'll be happy. If anyone does have any answers then bring them on, just make sure they are Bible based and sincere. No matter how many times they say it and assure you that they mean it, you simply don't buy it. It's not you; it's me never rings true. Even if they're not the cat's meow and it's just an acquaintanceship that's ending, when the person ends the relationship with that phrase, it's like murder. It's like dear God, take me now because I've just been hit across the back with an oar, I can't seem to get my breath, and now it feels like water is being poured into my lungs. It's horrible! All you can do is go over the mental video and audiotapes in your head and wonder what went wrong. What did I do? What did I say? How did I smell? Was it my style? My hair? My lack of hair? Please tell me so I can fix it and this won't have to end with me feeling like crap because I'm the one being dumped! What keeps people from telling the truth? Why do they feel the truth would hurt more than some nebulous reason that leaves you guessing for the rest of your life because you possibly have some issues with rejection that stem from the way you're biological mother left you when you were three? Whoa, perhaps a bit too much disclosure! The point is, I've never done it, and I've never used that lame excuse. I've broken up with people, or ended acquaintance-ships, but I've never told them it's not you; it's me because that wasn't the truth! The truth was that it was a partly them and partly me. There may very well have been something about that other person that drove me crazy, but my part in it was that I wasn't tolerant enough to deal with it. I was either too immature or too selfish or too something. Now I'm not talking about breaking up with a psychopath. Obviously you need to do what you can to get out of that situation. I'm talking about those relationships where you just don't like someone like you thought you would and so you break it off because you don't want to bother with it anymore. Isn't there a way to be gentle but honest? Can't you just tell the person Look, when we met I thought you were one way and now that I've gotten to know you I realize that you're not. Because of that I don't know that I want to be as close as we've been. I know it stinks to hear it, and I'm totally being intolerant, but I want you to know exactly where I'm coming from. Its not that I think there's something wrong with you, I just didn't bond with you like I thought I would. I'll be honest, I don't know if I want to stay friends but I'm willing to revisit this in a few weeks if you want. Y'see? If people would say something like that, and add a few specifics like I'm not interested in most of the stuff you're interested in or when we first met I liked the fact that you had a funny sense of humor but you don't seem to be able to turn it off and I need to have serious talks sometimes then I think it would be easier to deal with the departure. I think this is an especially important issue for Christians to address. The now somewhat cliché What Would Jesus Do needs to be revisited. Can you ever imagine Jesus saying, It's not you; it's me. Notice the red letters? Nice touch, huh? As a matter of fact, did Jesus ever break up with anyone? I don't think He did. Well, He may have ceased to fellowship with someone because they were sinning, but the Bible clearly lays out how we are supposed to handle those situations. We're supposed to go to our brother in love and confront them. If that doesn't work, take another brother with you and confront again. If it doesn't work then, go before the church. Finally, if they wont stop, THEN you're supposed to cease fellowship, but not until you've been very specific and very loving. It's not you, it's me doesn't come across as very specific or very loving. As a matter of fact it kind of comes across like a lie or an easy out so you won't have to deal with confrontation. I think its time for my disclaimer. My soapbox that I stand on when I do this blog thing is in no way shape or form supposed to infer that I think I've got it all figured out. It's not supposed to sound like I stand perfect before God and man and wag my finger at people to make them change. I'm just talking from my head and my heart. For all the things I say I haven't done (with regard to un-Christ-like behavior) there are a million and one things I have done that have grieved my Father in Heaven. I'm just trying to make sense of what is happening in my world and hope that somehow my ramblings will help someone else make sense of their own world. I don't want to come off like I'm judging anyone, but I do want the proverbial US to think about how we deal with one another and how we talk to one another. We're called to love one another, as hard as it may be sometimes, and I just don't see how a quick send-off like It's not you, it's me follows that line of thinking. So, in my own situation, I have come to this conclusion: some of it was me, and there's just no getting around it. I've apologized for what I think I may have done and I've given the rest to God with the understanding and realization that I am a work in progress. I hope that the relationship will be healed, although it will never be like it was, and regardless of the true reason, I know that the ultimate parting is God's will because of what He has revealed to me since then. My prayer for you is this: When attempting to leave a relationship, first examine your motives and ask God if you are doing the right thing. If you feel you are following His will, try to be honest and gentle with the person you are leaving. You will be held accountable for how you deal with that person and it's better to be safe than sorry. If you are on the other end of the deal, and you're the one getting the oar, try to understand. The person attempting to send you down stream is probably trying to spare your feelings. Most likely you did have something to do with them wanting to end the relationship, but don't let it bother you too much. Ask God to reveal your inadequacies to you and ask Him to help you fix them. That's really all you can do. If someone wants to give you the oar, take it, put it in the water and row away. Who knows, maybe someday you'll find them along the riverbank somewhere, needing to be rescued, and you will be able to put that once painful oar to good use and prove that you were the bigger person all along. I pray safe sailing for you all, and encourage you to make sure you Life Preserver is where He should be. |
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