Knowing God & Making Decisions

December 18, 2006 - Monday

Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life


Decisions. Decisions. How can I expect to make them when I'm not in Your word? Or, am I even the one who does the deciding? Do You make the decisions and then I just listen to You? No, I don't think that's it. After all, You gave us free will…gave ME free will. So there's this thing with James. The bottom line truth is that I don't trust him. I have a number of reasons but the main reason is that I don't really know him. He doesn't really know me either. When we had the situation a few weeks back and he basically said we were only going to end up friends, I thought things were over. Maybe I shouldn't have called him? Wait. I can't deal with what DID happen, I can only deal with today…right now. I know parts of him but I don't know all of him...or even most of him. Until that happens the trust won't be there. That's why I think it will take February...if February actually happens...to know for sure.

I think I'm starting to figure something out. I tend to trust You in adversity…because I have no choice. I don't trust You when things are going well…because I feel like I can do it all and make the right choices.

Lord, I want to trust You. Does that count for anything? Does it count if my heart only wants it because I don't want the trouble? Is that even a correct way of thinking? Aha. I just realized something. You are so awesome. I don't trust James because I don't know him. I don't trust You because I don't know You. I know parts of You but not enough to get me over my crap issues and allow me to give it all up and trust You wholeheartedly. I think...no I believe that if I knew You more I would trust You more.

It makes me sad to admit that, but happy to realize it. Now I can work on it. Now I can have focus...very specific focus. Shoot, I can even make this my New Year's resolution.

So, how do I get to know You more? I never did finish that Knowing God book. Hmmm. Curious. Every time I try to read that book (not that reading that book is the ONLY way to get to know You) I end up putting it down. I need to knuckle down and read it through. For ALL of the reasons that come to mind, but mainly I need to read it because if it gives me even a tiny glimpse into who You are then it will have been worthwhile. Most of all, though, I need to know You by reading Your word.

'Nuff said.

I love You - help me love You more. Help me remember that You are just as concerned with fair weather as foul; good times as bad, small things as big. You want to be involved in ALL of my life. Thanks for that. I don't deserve it but I'm so glad to have it.

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