Relational MIA
 | Current mood:  pensive It's funny how clarity sometimes comes at the most inopportune times. I was going over the blog that I wrote Sunday and realized there was an issue that I probably should have tackled before writing the Wuv, twu wuv blog. Then, I got a "sorry" note from someone who actually has done this thing to me, the issue I'm writing about today, so now this feels even more ironic and weird. As it is, it will probably seem like I've reverted back to bitterness when you read this one, but the opposite is true. Because I'm in a peaceful place I can probably better understand the thought processes that may or may not be behind the tendency of some people to drop off the face of the planet when they decide to not be friends with a person anymore. My last treatise on relational ethics and courtesy dealt with the issue of someone breaking up with you and giving you the "oar." The "oar" refers to someone telling you, seemingly out of the blue, that they don't want you in their life anymore and that "it's not you, it's me (them)." When it happens it feels like you've just been hit in the back with an oar, hence the nomenclature. Well, in my opinion there is only one thing worse than getting the "oar," and that is finding out that your friend or lover has come up MIA: Missing In Action. I call this phenomenon relational MIA. MIA was originally used to describe military men who were "lost" in a battle or war. It meant that they were in the thick of battle and all of a sudden came up missing, most likely and most unfortunately due to the fact that they had probably been killed or captured. Over the years "MIA" has become a little more well known in social settings as a way to say that someone was supposed to show up somewhere but hadn't yet, and hadn't phoned or contacted anyone to let them know of their whereabouts or ETA (estimated time of arrival). I'm using MIA in a way that sort of combines the old definition with the new one. I define relational MIA as being the sudden and unexpected disappearance of a friend who had previously been involved in the relationship but apparently decided they no longer wanted to be involved and subsequently dropped off the face of the planet in hopes that the friend left behind would simply get the idea and move on. In relational MIA there is no contact once the missing person goes MIA and the remaining friend or lover is left standing, mouth agape, frantically searching the obituaries in hopes that they haven't been dumped but in fact their friend or lover has died some tragic death and now they can be the dutiful mourning survivor of the beloved deceased. The horror, of course, is finding out that the friend didn't die, they just don't like you anymore. Relational MIA is rude..it is cowardly, it is hurtful and it is immature. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you leave them hanging like that? Does the person you left behind not deserve at least one, minute speck of decency? Was that person so scary and psycho that you had to leave for fear of your life? Did they come to your house and place of work and harass you? Did they leave threatening phone calls on your answering machine or voicemail? Did they ever physically harm you? I can understand dropping someone if they had done any of those things. I can understand being afraid for your safety. When I lived in another state for a year I had a friend whose husband started stalking me. The friend and I worked together almost every day for 6 months; we lived together for the first two months I lived in the state. When her husband started doing physical damage to my car and coming to my apartment in the middle of the night I knew I had to drop off the face of the planet. The police couldn't help until the guy had actually tried to hurt me..I couldn't risk that. I left without any notice. My parents came and helped me move out and I was gone within three hours. It would have been stupid of me to tell my friend where I was going because she wasn't the kind of woman who could keep a secret like that from her husband. But when a person has simply overwhelmed you, or been a little pushy or overly affectionate, or maybe you just decide it's not going to work, you should tell them. Or, if you're being the good guy, if you realize you're not good for that person and rather than bring them down you decide to let them go you should just explain it to them! Any decent person is going to love you for it, even if it hurts, and they will understand that eventually it will be okay. If the person you're talking to isn't a decent person and they respond negatively then you know you've done the right thing and can walk away at that point without regret. Even if you have found out that the person you were involved with was cheating on you, or did something wrong or lied, that person deserves to be confronted..they need to be confronted! They should know that they were found out and that they won't get away with that kind of behavior. In my opinion there is just no reason at all for relational MIA. As a human being dealing with other human beings you have a duty and they have a right or a need to hear you tell them or read something that tells them what is going on. To do anything different is simply mean..it's wrong. So, I have to confess something. I've been both a victim and one who has committed relational MIA. I have a friend who hurt my feelings deeply a year back..she used me on so many occasions it was pathetic. I let her use me. I was a doormat that she walked on and I never said a word. One day I just stopped taking her calls, and she finally figured it out and stopped calling me. The truth is, however, that I was a coward. I should have told her how I felt and how badly she treated me. What if she didn't know she had done those things? I didn't give her the chance to apologize..I didn't give her the chance to make a better choice. I've decided to write her a letter and tell her what happened. I want her to know why I did what I did and I want to apologize for doing to her what I now know hurts like heck. In my current situation, my MIA person recently sent me a note via email that simply said, "sorry". It had been about a month since I had been "dropped." I had thrown their address away, deleted their phone number from my cell phone and even took them off of all of my email lists. Then I got the note. Now don't get me wrong, I appreciate knowing this person isn't dead, and I realize that I probably did something that made this person want to "leave" me, but a "sorry" after a month?.. After getting no responses to my simple and select requests for information? I don't know that it's enough. It's been a year since I talked to my friend that I "left" and I'm going to be specific..I'm going to be honest and thorough. I guess my point is that I would have liked more..but then again how often do we get exactly what we want? So, the lesson for today,..me included,..is to practice the Golden Rule, folks. Do unto others what you would have them do unto you. It's that simple..and that hard. I understand the extenuating circumstances..I really do..it just hurts and I don't like being hurt. I also don't like to hurt others anymore. My prayer for all of you is that you will neither be left behind without a clue nor leave anyone in that way. I love you all. Aunt Steph |
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