The Replacements
 | Current mood:  okay Category: Life It's been two weeks since my friend died. It's hard to say his name... I keep going up and down, back and forth, at peace and in turmoil. I'm constantly amazed at the timing of things, however. I know I've said that before, but it's more than a bit humorous that I've spent the last week in a codeine and promethadine stupor... It has definitely taken my mind off of things. Even so, there is still an ache there... from the stones and the loss. Still, it's getting better somehow. It's kind of in my overall view of things... big picture stuff. The minute-by-minute, day by day stuff is difficult, but there is progress... there is healing. It's like God is putting one stitch in each day, taking His time sewing up the proverbial hole in my heart. Each stitch brings a new kind of pain: the pain of new tissue being punctured and drawn together. It acts as a kind of replacement for the pain caused by the loss... Replacement. He can't ever be replaced. Individuals aren't replaceable. The general position they held might be open for a replacement but the person cannot be replaced. The specific dynamics that made up the relationship between the two of us cannot be recreated... there's no cloning technology for something of this nature. That's the thing about how God made us. We're all unique. We might have things in common with other people but our relationships are as different as snowflakes. No two people can have the same relationship as anyone else. I'm glad for that. But I do need some replacements. Not for him, just for the time I used to spend talking with him. The painkillers and nausea pills will run out at some point, and I have no plans of getting new prescriptions... If I wanted to medicate the emotional pain I'd just go get some ice cream... low fat and soy, of course, and watch Pride and Prejudice. Grin. No, I need something that will take up the time. Spending more time in the Word is helping, and more time journaling. I'm sure I'll find something... But I won't fill all of the time. I'll use some of it to continue praying for his family. I'll also use some of it to just think about him and be thankful. I think I'm on track. I think I'm right where I need to be in the grieving process. What are there, five steps? I can't remember. I know I'm not in the denial stage, or the bargaining stage. I'm a little bit angry, but not much. I've certainly accepted the fact that he's gone... I'm missing a stage somewhere. Ah well. I still think I'm on track. I'm sad, but I'm not debilitated. Well, I'm physically debilitated from the stones, but I'm working on that. I guess that's all I have to say for now. God is good... and totally irreplaceable. Steph |
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