Spring Break 2007: Day 2, Chapter 2
 | Current mood:  contemplative Category: Life The mall is dead today. It's past lunchtime now and it has remained slow. Normally things pick up a little between noon and 1 pm but I keep forgetting that it's a weekday. I'm not normally here during the day on weekdays. Oh! I almost had a bite. A customer of mine just came in and almost bought a painting. If they come back in tomorrow they will buy it. Sweet! Commission!
Hmmm. So I'm in a thinking mood right now. That's not to say that I don't normally think, but sometimes I'm more conscious of my need to think…to process. Today is one of those days. I've been really lonely lately. I think sometimes I get so busy that I don't connect with people on the same level as when I have down time. I love it when I have time to truly enjoy people. For a while there I was having great conversations every day, whether on the phone, over coffee or hunkered up in front of the television with pajamas and blankets. I've had some great conversations recently, but they've mainly been about work. As much as I love what I do, I really don't like to take work home with me. I mean there's the paper grading and stuff like that, but I don't like to have my social time be monopolized by topics like pedagogy and adolescent psychology. I want to talk about deep stuff. I want to have some friendly debates. I want to share some deep dark secrets and not be judged. I guess feel like I haven't "bonded" with anyone in a while.
Y'know what? I'm going to just put it out there. I think I want to be married.
I'm not naïve enough to think that life will be perfect once I'm married. I understand that in many ways things will be more complicated. I guess I'm just saying I'm willing and wanting to take those complications on. I used to say that I'd know I was supposed to settle down when there were more days of wanting to than not. I've come to that point. Four out of seven days in a week is a majority. Sometimes it's five.
I've only been close to marriage once, and obviously it didn't happen. (God was totally in that decision; trust me.)
It's 2:00 pm now. I think I'll rest my digits and play a little spider solitaire. Seven hours and fifteen minutes to go. I've probably received my parking ticket by now. |
That reminds me of something someone said to me once, "Stephanie, are you saying you need more bondage in your life?" No, I don't need bondage; I need bonding.
I think I'm ready. I want that lifelong best friend. I want to be a part of a team, for better or for worse. I'm tired of doing this "alone." I'm tired of having all this love pent up inside me and not having that one person to whom I can give it. 
I'm not talking about the physical stuff, although I'm not not talking about it. I'm just talking about wanting to do for someone else. Right now I get up and go to work for me. (Well, I do it for the kids, too.) I pay my bills for me. I cook for me. I shower for me. I want to do these things, and more, for someone other than me. I've had a taste of it, so I know how sweet it can be (and how bitter, too). Now I want the whole thing. I don't need a dog or a cat, and I'm not planning on kids before marriage. I want a husband. Is that pathetic to say it out loud? 
I've only been in love two times and neither of those relationships panned out due to things totally out of my control. I'm pretty unscathed when it comes to relationship hurts, so I'm still realistically optimistic. I think part of that, though, is because I'm picky and cautious. I don't mean I'm picky and cautious to a fault, I just know what I want and I'm trying hard not to compromise.
Comments
Post a Comment