All the right(?) moves.

June 14, 2008 - Saturday

All the right(?) moves. Current mood: distressed Category: Life Just when I think it's safe to start decorating the Lemon Soufflé room… Gosh, tonight I feel overwhelmed with something. I'm a little weepy and sad… maybe just tired from all the weird shifts I've been working. My heart feels heavy. I just found out that my parents are moving into the house that my brother and sister-in-law are moving out of. I guess, by default… (Is that the right word?) I'm moving, too. I'm not sure how I feel about it right now. I was so excited about getting out from under the main roof and now I'll be back under it… only it will be a little bigger roof. As much as it COULD be mine, the Lemon Soufflé room was MINE. Even though my mom still felt like she had to come in and nose around every once in a while it was more like my room because it was made specifically for me. It was a color I wanted and it was… I must just be tired because this has me emotionally all over the place for some reason. I'm kind of mad because I don't really have a choice. I don't know that I want to live this far out. (I'm here in the office, now.) I like being just down the road from my church and sort of centrally located between the bro's house and downtown and South Salem and North Salem. I'm not good with change that I don't initiate, I guess. Hmmm. My thoughts are a lot like my emotions: all over the place. God, help me trust You in this. Help me know what to do. There was a plan in place and I thought it was going to be a certain way for a while and now things have changed, more than once, and are still changing, and I'm floundering. I feel odd… scared… concerned… anxious. What's going on, Lord? I've moved close to a hundred times in my life, maybe more. Why do I feel so heart-heavy about this one? Is this all just me being out of whack or is this discernment of some kind? Give me peace, I pray, or give me answers, please. Somehow there has to be a balance, You know? I can't be both child and adult, responsible and dependent. Am I wrong? I hate this game. I hate it. Is it my inability to deal with "gray" that makes me feel so frustrated? I just want black and white, cut and dry, with no bull crap and no name calling and no judgment. I can handle the truth but what's being dished up isn't the truth and it feels like there are no consequences for anyone else but me. I keep getting nailed for my poor choices but no one else seems to be getting called to the carpet. Then again, maybe they're just ignoring Your call. I certainly don't want that for me. Soothe my heart, Father, like only You can. Dry my tired, weepy eyes that only yesterday were grinning and blinking back the sun. I don't want this rollercoaster, a nice rolling sea, with maybe 3 inch swells, would be nice: a boat, with some oars and a motor, and enough provisions for a few weeks… that would be nice, too. Just get me through to D-day and I think I'll be okay. Anchor me and let me ride gentle waves… keep me from this storm, just this once.