So today I found out via email that I didn't get the job in Japan. When I read the email my response was (and this was a literal, verbal, out loud, response), "Huh... so what's next, Lord?" I didn't get what you would call and "answer" per say, I just felt peace. I got out my phone and updated my status on here and facebook, and then I finished getting ready to go see a friend. It was good - it was just done. A few minutes later I wondered out loud, "I wonder what their deciding factor was? I should probably send a note back and ask if they would be willing to give me some constructive criticism." Then I was out the door.
As I drove toward town I remembered to call the manager out at the camp/facility in Klamath Falls. I told him I wasn't chosen to go to Japan and he said, "Praise the Lord!" I kind of chuckled and said, "Praise Jehovah-Shalom!" He laughed at that. He said he had just returned from being out of town, had my application in his hand, and would look it over and call me back. About 20 minutes later he called back and asked if I would like to come out to the campus/facility and see their organization. I said sure, so we set a date for Thursday, Dec. 4th. I'll go out, see the operation, do an interview, spend the night and then head back the next day.
Amidst all of this I have continued my job hunt, applying for jobs left and right and keeping my eyes and ears open for openings. I'm just trying to be faithful in my attempts, but I recognize that God is taking care of everything regardless of my efforts.
This is a big deal.
There is this very delicate and sometimes (for me) confusing balance between doing what is right and good to do, versus recognizing that my efforts don't make a difference in how things turn out... I have believed SO many lies about God and how He works. I didn't understand that the doing comes as an outpouring of the love He gives us: I thought that the doing was required to get His love. Now if you had asked me point blank, "Stephanie, is there anything you can do to win God's love?" I would have told you, "no, of course not." But that's how I've been living for a very long time and didn't even realize it!
This revelation sheds a HUGE amount of light on the vicious cycles I've been riding around on for quite some time. During my growing up years - before and after I was adopted - I was trained by my experiences and my environment to believe that you rely on yourself first and then God picks up what you can't handle. That is SO wrong! For YEARS now I've been trying to take on some really big issues thinking I had to be the one steering the sailboat while God would maybe send some good wind and currents my way if I stayed at the wheel. Of course as soon as life tossed me some rough seas or gale force winds, I would let go of the wheel and hide below deck. I would huddle under the covers in my cabin, not willing to even look out the portholes. I would beat myself up for not being strong enough or courageous enough to stay at the helm. I would tell myself that if the boat wrecked it was all my fault. If it sank, it was my doing for not being good enough. If I died in the wreckage I deserved it. It might seem melodramatic to say that but Satan is the great deceiver - especially when it comes to messing with our emotions - and I believed every feeling and every thought that He twisted.
By the grace of God my "boat" never sank and I never died in the wreckage. It's run aground quite a few times, and I've had to make repairs, but the hull has remained intact... It might not be pretty, but it doesn't take on water.
I realize now that I am NOT supposed to steer the sailboat, I AM the sailboat and HE is my captain.
(Dead Poet Society rabbit trail: "'O Captain, my Captain.' Who knows where that comes from? Anybody? Not a clue? It's from a poem by Walt Whitman about Mr. Abraham Lincoln. Now in this class you can either call me Mr. Keating, or if you're slightly more daring, 'O Captain my Captain.'")
He is in control of the sea and the weather, and He is in charge of everything that occurs while I am out sailing. Now matter if I stay the course or veer off course, He is still in control. No matter if I try to head back to land or remain at sea, He is still in control. It doesn't matter if I bear away or try to go straight into the wind, HE is STILL in control. Knowing this, understanding it and taking it to my heart, I am free to be guided and steered in the right direction. I don't have to constantly check the maps to see if we're on the right course - He has memorized the maps. I don't have to analyze the stars to see what my next move should be - He created the stars. I don't even have to worry if I get holes in my sails because He is the Great Physician and will patch me up. I just have to sit back and focus on Him.
It's amazing how simple it sounds NOW, but like I said, it's easy to be deceived.
So! This boat is not going to Japan. (I was going to try and make some joke about a slow boat to China but couldn't think of anything funny - you can probably come up with your own.) I'm not sure what my course to make good is. As I type this I get the impression that at least for now I am docked and undergoing some general repairs to make sure I'm seaworthy. (Maybe I'll even get a fresh coat of paint - gussy the place up a bit.) Regardless, I'm good; repairs are long overdue and more than welcome.
Happy Sailing.
adventurous 
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