Love: "In it" versus the verb.
 | Current mood:  contemplative Category: Romance and Relationships I have come to a realization… don't freak out or anything, this happens to me all the time. The realization that I have come to is that I'm not sure… I'm not sure if I've ever been "in love." Not only am I not sure if I've ever been "in love" but I'm not even sure what that means. John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (NIV) Now I understand that. I think I could even manage that: laying down my life for one of my friends… The "verb" part is easy for me to grasp. (Thank you DC Talk.) Now I'm not saying it's always easy to DO, I'm just saying I understand that love isn't something you feel, it's an ACTION.
Now, very quickly, with regard to the "action" thing… I'm NOT referring to the… ummmm… well, the physical aspect of love… the wedding night part of love. I'm specifically talking about how "true" love remains (the conscious decision to love) even when the warm fuzzy feelings fade momentarily (or for however long things are bumpy in the relationship.)
But this "in love" thing… does that refer to the feelings part? Is that why some people can say they have fallen OUT of love… the feelings are gone? Have I ever had the "feelings" for someone and now I don't? Y'see it's difficult to navigate because I've never had a romantic relationship that lasted over a year. I mean I've cared for people for a very long time… I would say the first love of my life, who was only ever my best friend growing up, lasted from the time I was 7 years old until he got married – something like 12 or 13 years ago. My feelings were so deep for him, at times, that my body actually ached, and I would have absolutely died for him… I think I would have done anything for him if he had asked me. Even though he never VERB loved me in the romantic sense, did I VERB love him in a romantic sense?
I've experienced similar relationships a few times since then… I was unofficially engaged, 'bout 10 years ago, and there were definitely moments where I "loved" him so much that it hurt. I would have died for him as well, but I don't know that I truly VERB loved him because there were too many things I wasn't willing to accept in him and too many things I didn't want to sacrifice to BE with him. But that was a different situation all together because… well, because of some pretty major stuff, and I believe that God literally spared me from that relationship… hence one reason for my single status today.
I have to tell you this is really confusing for me. I've felt passion and I've felt twitterpation (excitement) for "men of interest" or "men who were interested." I KNOW that those things don't constitute VERB love. Then again, I've had STRONG feelings for several men, and if I was asked to die for them I can tell you that I THINK I would be able to do it. There was physical attraction on both sides; intellectual compatibility, chemistry (I finally got that one figured out), an appreciation for similar things and/or a tolerance for the different ones, and there was HUMOR! (I have to have humor – it's a must.) Was I "in love?" Maybe so… Were any of them "in love" with me? I think probably. Did I VERB love them? Did they VERB love me?
Wouldn't I be married by now if we had?
I'm not sure why this is coming up now. I mean, I've got some ideas… *secret grin with one raised eyebrow* I have been school-girl crushin on someone, and I have to admit I have an acquaintance with at least 20 really awesome men, some of whom even meet the Christian standard! Maybe it's just because spring is in the air and the "girl" in me is being temporarily swept away by the flowers blooming and the birds singing. Or, maybe it's that lonely thing that comes up every now and then, the one that makes me wonder why I'm not married… or married, yet. Whatever the reason I'm still mildly confused about the whole romantic LOVE thing. But maybe it's not that big of a deal… maybe the romantic part isn't the key. I've got the best example of LOVE, really the only TRUE example of LOVE in CHRIST JESUS. Regardless of whether it's romantic or not, I need to follow HIS example and strive to love like HE did. I can take that into my friendships and I can take that into my marriage – if it happens… it takes the same kind of effort even if it might take varying degrees of that effort.
Hmmmm. Thinking, thinking, thinking... I'm still in the dark a little… and I guess the next realization is that I might never fully understand… it might just be one of those experience things... sigh. |
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