What you see is...

August 2, 2008 - Saturday

What you see is... Current mood: annoyed Category: Life Ummm. I'm a little overwhelmed with the visuals, people. Okay, I'm a LOT overwhelmed... this has been stewing since last night and I suppose it's time to let the sliced bread outta the bag... or is it let the cat outta the hat??? I get my colloquialisms mixed up... nah, not really, just funnin'. Anyways, so, I'm sitting in the movie theater last night, yes, alone, cuz I needed to be by myself even though I called like 20 people to go with but must not have really wanted them to go because I literally left for the movie within like 20 minutes of realizing I wanted to go the movie. But, I digress... as usual. OKAY! So I was sitting in the movie theater last night, waiting for the movie to start and in walks a family of 5 - young boy, younger girl, dad holding VERY young boy and mom. The previews are just about to begin and of course they are totally blocking people from getting to their seats, they're talking (loudly I might add) about what they want from the concession stand (hello, did you NOT just walk RIGHT BY IT???) and then guess where they sit down? YEP! Right in front of ME! Now, the theater wasn't even half full - they were only showing like 70 showings of The Dark Knight so it was a little hard NOT to get into one of the shows – and of all the seats they had to take they decided on the ones right in front of me. Sigh. Okay, I'll grin and bear it. Who knows, maybe they won't make a bunch of noise – maybe the tallest member of the family WON'T sit in front of m… WHAT THE HECK? DID YOU JUST SIT IN FRONT OF ME? Man, if the house lights had been on the whole theater would have known that the sound they were hearing wasn't the bowling alley in the front of the theater it was the sound of my EYEBALLS ROLLING AROUND IN MY HEAD! The DAD sat RIGHT in FRONT of ME! OH MY HECK! Deep breath: in through the nose, out through mouth. (I'm doing this as I type, too.) I can still see the screen, it's not that bad… ummm… excuse me… are you rocking in your seat? Ahem. I said, "Are you ROCKING in your seat?" Hello, I'm RIGHT behind you! I mean your head is practically in my lap as it is and you're ROCKING??? You are getting a LITTLE too close to my business, there, mister… HELLO? STOP ROCKING! Fine. I will get up and move over one seat and maybe you'll get the picture that SOMEONE IS SITTING RIGHT BEHIND YOU! SOMEONE WHO WAS HERE BEFORE YOU AND PICKED THIS SEAT BECAUSE IT WAS THE PERFECT SEAT BUT NOW YOU'VE RUINED AND I HAVE TO BE IN A SUBSTANDARD SEAT!!!!!!!! Okay. I'm okay. This seat is fine. Okay, you're wife and oldest son are back… good, pass out the food and sit down because the movie is about to… ummmm, are you REALLY talking out loud to your child who is four seats away from you? Did you just STAND UP and help your child with his popcorn as the movie is starting when you're ROCKIN' husband is sitting right next to the aforementioned child? Are ALL FIVE OF YOU NOW S E R I O U S L Y TALKING ABOUT THE MOVIE THAT IS STARTING??? I've had it. I'm moving. You people have RUINED this for me! (Twenty minutes into the film.) Wow, this is a really DARK movie. Hmm. What is that noise? It sounds like a whimpering child… OH MY WORD! VERY young boy seems to be crying now. Perhaps because he's SCARED? Dude, you people have no CLUE! Get a BABY sitter! Don't bring a little kid like that to a movie like this! Hello??? Anyone home? (At the end of the movie.) Good movie. Dark. VERY young boy finally cried himself to sleep. Family of five is leaving… so am I. Ahhhh, but wait, there's more. In the lobby of the movie theater what do I see? OBESITY REVEALED! Oi vey! This one has OBVIOUSLY not read my fat fashion blog from like two years ago. I need to repost it again. Maybe I should print it up and put up flyers all around town. It's summer people, yeah, it's hot, but Salem did NOT ask you to show THAT much skin. Yes, carrying that extra weight makes it even worse, hello, I'm RIGHT there with you, but I am FULLY clothed! Put your hair up in a ponytail, that will make you a little cooler… try wearing cotton instead of whatever that man made fiber is that you've got stretched unattractively across your barely half hidden midriff. OH MY WORD! Is that BACK FAT? No, please, don't bend over, PLEASE! For the LOVE of ALL that is GOOD! Coin slot, anyone? Sigh. I feel… violated. I have seen TOO much… I was in a poopie mood to begin with… that's why I came to the movie… alone. I wanted to ESCAPE the madness. Alas… it can never be. I will never be able to escape the madness as long as I can SEE! (But I'm NOT wishing blindness on myself – just to be clear.) Thank You for reminding me, Father, that I too, am noisy, and clueless, and rude… …and have back fat.