Worth Fighting For
Originally posted March 17, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Whoa! I know, I know, it's been a long time. The truth is I've done a TON of writing in my journals, and I've even done some writing on my computer, but alas, my internet connection is infrequent at best, so I haven't bothered. But there are some things that just have to be put out into the ether so they can... I don't know... be "known" or something.
Anyway, I was on another social networking sight the other day (I love the things my BlackBerry can do) and someone wrote for their status, "Love is in the air." I grimaced a little when I read it, I think there was a sigh or a groan as well, and I realized that despite the fact that we haven't had a real winter here in Oregon, spring has, in fact, arrived. Love IS in the air.
Lame.
Okay, not LAME... how about, "Whatever." Yeah, that works... and yet, I can't even really get behind that.
Okay, I admit, I like the idea of having a person around to feel warm and fuzzy with. I mean, I'm really happy being single for the most part, but I'll be the first to admit when I'm feeling lonely or needy. Still, you can get that in a boyfriend - and a boyfriend isn't necessarily permanent. But LOVE, now that's a whole other ball of yarn. The truth is I would be happy if love was in MY air. Love is worth the lessening of "alone time." Love is worth the space sharing. Love is worth fighting for.
I've seen movies where the girl and the guy break up and they go their seperate ways and then one of them realizes just how much they love the other and he or she FIGHTS to get the other one back. Of course that totally goes against the whole, "breaking up gracefully" thing. I mean, if you're breaking up and you know it's the right thing to do, regardless of how much you want the other person, I would imagine it would be pretty difficult to get up enough "grr" inside you to try and win that person back. Still, what proves love more - walking away gracefully or fighting tooth and nail?
I have to admit. I'd like to see a fight for me. I know I've asked people to walk away gracefully, to give me my space and let me do what I need to do to move on. But there is a part of me that then comes back to that situation and says, "Ah, in the end, the real reason we broke up was because he didn't really love me. If he DID love me, he would have fought for me, regardless of what I asked him to do."
The truth is that I think I DO fight for people. Or is it just me being co-dependent? If I really love a person I can't let them out of my life... even when I know I SHOULD! I'm a little bit self-destructive in that way, I guess. Still, I am that way with God, too. I can't ever stay away from Him for too long - my rebellion only runs so deep and then I come crawling back for forgiveness and reinstatement into the relationship. Of course I know He fought for me, when He died for me on the cross, so I have gradually learned to trust His love for me. But when it comes to men, there's just no guarantee.
Is this why I'm still single? My trust issues? Has there been someone in my life that I should have fought more for? ...I don't think so, I've done just about as much as I can without going off the deep end and causing real trouble.
I have this ability, this "gift" if you will, to love with reckless abandon. To accept a person for who they are, totally acknowledge and disregard the cool AND stupid stuff they do, and just LOVE them. I'm not saying I don't get angry or frustrated. I get fed up all the time, but it doesn't change how I feel for the long haul - it just might make things a little tense in the mean time.
I guess the real reason I'm still single, aside from the fact that it's obviously not my time as of yet, is that I haven't found anyone yet who will fight for ME. I know I'm a strong willed child and all, but I need to SEE the love and HEAR it and FEEL it. I've been around doers all my life and the doing isn't enough. I want more. I need more. God has set a really high standard with me - He loves me in a way that I can feel through the Holy Spirit, He loves me in a way I can see through the way He provides for me, and He loves me in a way I can touch and hear in the words He wrote in the Bible.
I'm no nun. I'm not into the whole marrying Jesus thing, and I don't assume there is a perfect man out there somewhere who is waiting for me. I am holding out for the fighter, though. No lukewarm love for me, I'm looking for passion with the warm and fuzzy. Electricity. Fire. Testerone, lol. The man truly worth my fight is going to be the one who thinks I'm worth fighting for as well.
I think I've said what I came to say... Consider this subject processed, at least for the moment.
Whoa! I know, I know, it's been a long time. The truth is I've done a TON of writing in my journals, and I've even done some writing on my computer, but alas, my internet connection is infrequent at best, so I haven't bothered. But there are some things that just have to be put out into the ether so they can... I don't know... be "known" or something.
Anyway, I was on another social networking sight the other day (I love the things my BlackBerry can do) and someone wrote for their status, "Love is in the air." I grimaced a little when I read it, I think there was a sigh or a groan as well, and I realized that despite the fact that we haven't had a real winter here in Oregon, spring has, in fact, arrived. Love IS in the air.
Lame.
Okay, not LAME... how about, "Whatever." Yeah, that works... and yet, I can't even really get behind that.
Okay, I admit, I like the idea of having a person around to feel warm and fuzzy with. I mean, I'm really happy being single for the most part, but I'll be the first to admit when I'm feeling lonely or needy. Still, you can get that in a boyfriend - and a boyfriend isn't necessarily permanent. But LOVE, now that's a whole other ball of yarn. The truth is I would be happy if love was in MY air. Love is worth the lessening of "alone time." Love is worth the space sharing. Love is worth fighting for.
I've seen movies where the girl and the guy break up and they go their seperate ways and then one of them realizes just how much they love the other and he or she FIGHTS to get the other one back. Of course that totally goes against the whole, "breaking up gracefully" thing. I mean, if you're breaking up and you know it's the right thing to do, regardless of how much you want the other person, I would imagine it would be pretty difficult to get up enough "grr" inside you to try and win that person back. Still, what proves love more - walking away gracefully or fighting tooth and nail?
I have to admit. I'd like to see a fight for me. I know I've asked people to walk away gracefully, to give me my space and let me do what I need to do to move on. But there is a part of me that then comes back to that situation and says, "Ah, in the end, the real reason we broke up was because he didn't really love me. If he DID love me, he would have fought for me, regardless of what I asked him to do."
The truth is that I think I DO fight for people. Or is it just me being co-dependent? If I really love a person I can't let them out of my life... even when I know I SHOULD! I'm a little bit self-destructive in that way, I guess. Still, I am that way with God, too. I can't ever stay away from Him for too long - my rebellion only runs so deep and then I come crawling back for forgiveness and reinstatement into the relationship. Of course I know He fought for me, when He died for me on the cross, so I have gradually learned to trust His love for me. But when it comes to men, there's just no guarantee.
Is this why I'm still single? My trust issues? Has there been someone in my life that I should have fought more for? ...I don't think so, I've done just about as much as I can without going off the deep end and causing real trouble.
I have this ability, this "gift" if you will, to love with reckless abandon. To accept a person for who they are, totally acknowledge and disregard the cool AND stupid stuff they do, and just LOVE them. I'm not saying I don't get angry or frustrated. I get fed up all the time, but it doesn't change how I feel for the long haul - it just might make things a little tense in the mean time.
I guess the real reason I'm still single, aside from the fact that it's obviously not my time as of yet, is that I haven't found anyone yet who will fight for ME. I know I'm a strong willed child and all, but I need to SEE the love and HEAR it and FEEL it. I've been around doers all my life and the doing isn't enough. I want more. I need more. God has set a really high standard with me - He loves me in a way that I can feel through the Holy Spirit, He loves me in a way I can see through the way He provides for me, and He loves me in a way I can touch and hear in the words He wrote in the Bible.
I'm no nun. I'm not into the whole marrying Jesus thing, and I don't assume there is a perfect man out there somewhere who is waiting for me. I am holding out for the fighter, though. No lukewarm love for me, I'm looking for passion with the warm and fuzzy. Electricity. Fire. Testerone, lol. The man truly worth my fight is going to be the one who thinks I'm worth fighting for as well.
I think I've said what I came to say... Consider this subject processed, at least for the moment.
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