A Moment of Clarity
Tonight, after being in bed for the past (what feels like) 100 years I got up. I didn't shower, just brushed my hair back with a little water, threw on some clothes and a baseball cap, and headed out the door. It was 8:55PM.
I wanted the drive, and the iced mocha at the end of the drive, and the grilled cheese sandwich from Jack in the Box on the way back from the drive, but I mainly just needed to get outta the house... my parents' house... my amazingly kind and difficult parents' house. Well, the house isn't kind and difficult. You know what I mean.
I don't care what people say about Christian music and how it isn't as "cool" or "complicated" as secular music. Music that comes from the love and adoration of something can certainly stand up to music penned as a result of a drugged or drunken stupor. Anyway, I turned on the radio to KLOVE (not even my favorite station) and immediately felt God speaking to me.
One of the shameful... well, embarrassing(?) I don't know, BAD things about depression is this overwhelming push or desire or drive... this THING that causes or makes you want to focus your thoughts inward. I suppose some of it is focused directly at one's self, but for me a lot of it is just trying to not think about anything at all - or just thinking about how lame things are. As I drove, however, and let the music affect me, I started thinking about other people. Well, first it was me thinking about the truth; that whether I want to be or not, I am part of God's plan for good. He made me, and while I may have messed things up pretty badly, I am still usable. Furthermore He actually WANTS to use me for His good.
Each song that came on the radio - I think I was driving for maybe 30 minutes, so about 10 songs - had something to do with pushing through problems by trusting and accepting God's love, so I can show His love to others. I didn't sing along, like I would normally do... if I were feeling/being normal. I just listened to the words and let them sink in. It got me thinking about people close to me and I realized I hadn't really been thinking about them... and there are a few who REALLY need some thinking about *grin*. So I just let my mind, and my heart, sort of focus on them, meditating on my love for them and letting my feelings and my memories remind me of their needs and sufferings. It was a moment of clarity. It was good.
Depression doesn't just get up and walk away, but one session like this can turn into two and the more I begin to focus less on my own heartache, confusion and failures, the closer I get to being out of the wilderness and back into the land of the living. That's my prayer: being back in the land of the living... participating in life and not avoiding it or being "unable to attend due to..." whatever.
I wanted the drive, and the iced mocha at the end of the drive, and the grilled cheese sandwich from Jack in the Box on the way back from the drive, but I mainly just needed to get outta the house... my parents' house... my amazingly kind and difficult parents' house. Well, the house isn't kind and difficult. You know what I mean.
I don't care what people say about Christian music and how it isn't as "cool" or "complicated" as secular music. Music that comes from the love and adoration of something can certainly stand up to music penned as a result of a drugged or drunken stupor. Anyway, I turned on the radio to KLOVE (not even my favorite station) and immediately felt God speaking to me.
One of the shameful... well, embarrassing(?) I don't know, BAD things about depression is this overwhelming push or desire or drive... this THING that causes or makes you want to focus your thoughts inward. I suppose some of it is focused directly at one's self, but for me a lot of it is just trying to not think about anything at all - or just thinking about how lame things are. As I drove, however, and let the music affect me, I started thinking about other people. Well, first it was me thinking about the truth; that whether I want to be or not, I am part of God's plan for good. He made me, and while I may have messed things up pretty badly, I am still usable. Furthermore He actually WANTS to use me for His good.
Each song that came on the radio - I think I was driving for maybe 30 minutes, so about 10 songs - had something to do with pushing through problems by trusting and accepting God's love, so I can show His love to others. I didn't sing along, like I would normally do... if I were feeling/being normal. I just listened to the words and let them sink in. It got me thinking about people close to me and I realized I hadn't really been thinking about them... and there are a few who REALLY need some thinking about *grin*. So I just let my mind, and my heart, sort of focus on them, meditating on my love for them and letting my feelings and my memories remind me of their needs and sufferings. It was a moment of clarity. It was good.
Depression doesn't just get up and walk away, but one session like this can turn into two and the more I begin to focus less on my own heartache, confusion and failures, the closer I get to being out of the wilderness and back into the land of the living. That's my prayer: being back in the land of the living... participating in life and not avoiding it or being "unable to attend due to..." whatever.
Comments
Post a Comment