Struggling Again
Okay, so this is bad. I am bad. I'm not necessarily talking morally bad, although there is that, too. I'm bad off. I was sitting on my bed after eating an enormous chocolate chip cookie from the espresso bus place and all I could think about was how I just wanted to be either back sleeping or “gone.” I mean, it's so bad that I'm not feeling any guilt about being in bed all day, and I'm not feeling bad about the fact that I didn't work in the office today. I was a little... irritated? Concerned? Scared? Something when my mom came home with a “SLAM” of the door and then asked my dad if I was still in bed. I suppose I just don't want a confrontation from her... I keep waiting for the meds to kick in but I have a feeling it's not going to matter because I have no desire to do what I'm supposed to do – you know, day 10 of the little book I have on defeating depression. To defeat something you have to fight, and I'm not fighting. The thing is I don't know why I'm not fighting and it takes me to all those question places of wondering what is wrong with me that I don't care or don't feel or whatever. I don't feel like I have anything to live for... not even Christ. Not because HE's not worth it but because what's the point? I don't think I doubt the value He has placed on me, I think I just doubt my worth. My usefulness. I do feel like a failure. I haven't ever really beaten anything. Have I? And as I sit here and think about how pathetic this sounds I don't want anyone to have pity on me, I don't want them to think, “Poor Stephanie” and yet I don't want to be judged either. I don't want criticism. I just want to be left alone, to die? And if I'm a little bit better for one day I'm concerned that it will set a precedent for people and they will expect me to be better on a regular basis. I don't want expectations. I can't live up to them. Not even my own. I feel like I'm waiting for something – some huge event, some obvious change – and yet I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen.
Have I lost hope? Has it come to that?
What's wrong with me? I mean, besides the depression, why am I such a disappointment? Such an ONGOING disappointment? How can I both hate it and not care at the same time?
So I put my head in my hands to think for a second, or to, something, for a second, and I just want to close my eyes and go back to sleep. I think, “I just need to get out of here.” But where do I go? If I get out and just drive I'm wasting gas – which is funny because I think it's worth it but I can hear my dad saying that, “You're wasting gas, wasting money.” I could go to Tim and Mary Jo's but I feel like I'm intruding on family life, like I'm not REALLY welcome because I'm not REALLY family. Everyone else is busy, doing the living thing... you know, “LIFE.” And Rita is gone, and James is gone and I wonder if maybe they should have stayed and I should have gone. They had kids... lives... people and places to see.
What a waste. I try to think that there is always a reason, a bigger purpose, but what is the bigger purpose of me being pathetic? How does that glorify You? I mean sure, if I could come out of it and be some amazing something or other, yeah, that would glorify You. But my track record sucks. How is it that I can believe You do all these other things through people but I'm the one You can't fix? How can I think that? WHY do I think that? Is it self-loathing? Do I dislike myself that much? Is it pride? How can I be PROUD of being so pathetic that even God can't help me? That just doesn't make sense to me. I WANT help. I WANT to be a story of success, I just don't know if it's in me. I AM having a crisis of faith... not of Your existence, not of who You are, but of something having to do with me. Where did I mess things up? Not in the sin aspect, I think I've processed through that... where did I mess up in the salvation part? Did I not confess correctly?
That's so stupid. I'm either saved or I'm not, and that's where I get weird. I know I asked, but was I sincere? I mean I think my wanting was sincere, but did I mess up somewhere else? How could I be talking to You now if it didn't work? Are You there God? It's me, Stephanie... Cheeks propped on knuckles... I'm so sleepy. Cry Out to Jesus. That's what Mac from Third Day says... I feel like that whole insanity thing, though. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome... is that HOPE? How can it be my responsibility to do what I need to do and yet I have NO desire whatsoever to do it? I'm stuck, Lord. I'm so all up in my head and then I'm too simplified and it's this vicious cycle that I cannot, or won't, get out of. I just want to be better. I want to stop thinking about it, wishing for it, hoping it will happen, and just BE better. Nothing miraculous, just, “Here's what happens next.” Cause and effect: I take the pills, I feel better, I get up and start living. Right now I feel like I can't choose right, like I can't choose the right thing, as in the good thing. I can CHOOSE, just not correctly. Cuz I'm choosing to stay in bed – it feels better, it's less complicated, less painful, takes less effort and less thought. This stupid light bulb keeps coming on in the bottom of the page telling me I'm doing something wrong grammar wise. So of course now I want to do a grammar and spell check. I also want to go to the loo... And I didn't even go. I just sat here. On my makeshift chair made out of a milk crate, a pillow, and two towels so it doesn't scrap the floor or get anything dirty. I practically need a crane to help me sit down and get up because it's so low. Normally I would find a littl bit of humor in that, but not tonight, as my knees ache from sitting this way and my feet freeze because somewhere my circulation is being cut off. Sigh. I haven't had a shower since Sunday.
Please pills, please kick in. Please.
Have I lost hope? Has it come to that?
What's wrong with me? I mean, besides the depression, why am I such a disappointment? Such an ONGOING disappointment? How can I both hate it and not care at the same time?
So I put my head in my hands to think for a second, or to, something, for a second, and I just want to close my eyes and go back to sleep. I think, “I just need to get out of here.” But where do I go? If I get out and just drive I'm wasting gas – which is funny because I think it's worth it but I can hear my dad saying that, “You're wasting gas, wasting money.” I could go to Tim and Mary Jo's but I feel like I'm intruding on family life, like I'm not REALLY welcome because I'm not REALLY family. Everyone else is busy, doing the living thing... you know, “LIFE.” And Rita is gone, and James is gone and I wonder if maybe they should have stayed and I should have gone. They had kids... lives... people and places to see.
What a waste. I try to think that there is always a reason, a bigger purpose, but what is the bigger purpose of me being pathetic? How does that glorify You? I mean sure, if I could come out of it and be some amazing something or other, yeah, that would glorify You. But my track record sucks. How is it that I can believe You do all these other things through people but I'm the one You can't fix? How can I think that? WHY do I think that? Is it self-loathing? Do I dislike myself that much? Is it pride? How can I be PROUD of being so pathetic that even God can't help me? That just doesn't make sense to me. I WANT help. I WANT to be a story of success, I just don't know if it's in me. I AM having a crisis of faith... not of Your existence, not of who You are, but of something having to do with me. Where did I mess things up? Not in the sin aspect, I think I've processed through that... where did I mess up in the salvation part? Did I not confess correctly?
That's so stupid. I'm either saved or I'm not, and that's where I get weird. I know I asked, but was I sincere? I mean I think my wanting was sincere, but did I mess up somewhere else? How could I be talking to You now if it didn't work? Are You there God? It's me, Stephanie... Cheeks propped on knuckles... I'm so sleepy. Cry Out to Jesus. That's what Mac from Third Day says... I feel like that whole insanity thing, though. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome... is that HOPE? How can it be my responsibility to do what I need to do and yet I have NO desire whatsoever to do it? I'm stuck, Lord. I'm so all up in my head and then I'm too simplified and it's this vicious cycle that I cannot, or won't, get out of. I just want to be better. I want to stop thinking about it, wishing for it, hoping it will happen, and just BE better. Nothing miraculous, just, “Here's what happens next.” Cause and effect: I take the pills, I feel better, I get up and start living. Right now I feel like I can't choose right, like I can't choose the right thing, as in the good thing. I can CHOOSE, just not correctly. Cuz I'm choosing to stay in bed – it feels better, it's less complicated, less painful, takes less effort and less thought. This stupid light bulb keeps coming on in the bottom of the page telling me I'm doing something wrong grammar wise. So of course now I want to do a grammar and spell check. I also want to go to the loo... And I didn't even go. I just sat here. On my makeshift chair made out of a milk crate, a pillow, and two towels so it doesn't scrap the floor or get anything dirty. I practically need a crane to help me sit down and get up because it's so low. Normally I would find a littl bit of humor in that, but not tonight, as my knees ache from sitting this way and my feet freeze because somewhere my circulation is being cut off. Sigh. I haven't had a shower since Sunday.
Please pills, please kick in. Please.
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