Friends, Books, and Bulldogs: Part 1

"Y'know what? I don't mince words. I try to speak kindly, and often with humor, but I don't play games. I'm not passive aggressive. I speak my mind, make known my needs and concerns, and converse openly and, for the most part, without judgment towards the opinions and comments of others. I am as honest and humble as I can be when it comes to admitting my faults and shortcomings: the laundry list of which is long and tiresome. I make no bones about being a work in progress. I don't seek admiration for my honesty, I'd just like the same in return. I think I've decided that I just don't have time for anything other than a genuine existence and genuine relationships. I cannot be who I'm not and I don't expect anyone else to be who they are not. In light of this fact I realize there comes a time when you have to sort through things and keep the stuff that fits and works, and discard, regardless of sentiment, the things that don't fit and don't work..."

This quote is taken from a Facebook status update of mine from March 11 of this year. I've been allowing my feelings and thoughts some time to simmer so I could get to the point where I was a little less angry and a little more compassionate. I think I probably still have some simmering down to do, but I am at a good place to start processing: a good thing since this is a verbal processing blog...

It all started when, in light of one friendship, a fellow believer reached out to me via FB. Choosing to ignore my misgivings and initial lack of desire, I decided to do what I felt to be the right thing at the time, and agreed to explore the possibility of a friendship. I didn't venture out willy-nilly, mind you. There were a few other "mutuals" besides the original mutual friend, so I sought out some input from the tributary group in order to get some unbiased opinions on the prospective pal... I got mixed reviews.

SO! In an effort to hold fast to the "don't judge a book" and "...walked a mile in his shoes" philosophies, along with trying really hard for the sake of mutual #1, I sallied forth. I was determined to give this thing a go. Okay, that's not entirely true... It was difficult almost beyond measure, and from the very beginning. I did judge the book by its cover and I wasn't a fan of the cover - at all! The cover was not "all that." Furthermore, the owner of the cover DID think it was "all that" and this made it even that much more difficult to get past the cover. I wasn't a fan of the words beyond the cover, either. Everything I "read" seemed shallow, trite, self-serving, self-absorbed! It seemed there was no shame - you know, the good shame - or maybe what I'm thinking of is a lack of healthy sense of self? Narcissism! Delusions of grandeur! Yeah, that's what I felt like I was seeing. I realize that kind of behavior can often be an indicator of a person feeling exactly the opposite - kind of like the guy who uses bravado to hide the fact that he's really insecure. Regardless of what lay behind the behavior, I found it to be extremely unattractive, and I confess I had a difficult time getting past it.


But I did! As a matter of fact, as time went on and situations presented themselves for me and the new friend to spend time together, I found myself warming up a little.We would never be kindred spirits (love Ann of Green Gables) but there were some areas where we connected. I began to pray for our relationship - I prayed my heart would soften even more and I prayed for future success and happiness for this person. God, in His grace, seemed to be answering all my prayers in the positive. I realized at one point that my objections to this person were becoming less and less prevalent. As with many situations like this, the friend hadn't changed, but my heart had. I was glad! Somehow I had managed to get past the cover and a lot of the words (along with my own obnoxiousness) - I say "somehow" but of course I know it was God's doing - and find some appreciation for "the book." It was like I was seeing things through a filter of acceptance and love - not quite as pure as seeing things through the eyes of Christ, but I was getting there - and I truly was willing! I call it the bulldog stage: I don't think bulldogs are the most beautiful breed of dog (my personal opinion - this *is* my blog), and I don't imagine I would ever adopt one, but I have fun with the ones I know, and I do think some of them are cute at times, and funny... Yeah, I was at the bulldog stage. This wasn't the best book I'd ever read, but there were some good parts, and I could definitely take some good things away from the experience.

But like a lot of stories that start slowly then seem to have moments of "oh that was kinda cool," this book suddenly took a turn for the worse. The bulldog didn't bite me or anything, but I did find myself more than a little disillusioned when the air cleared and I got a good whiff of the crap.

...to be continued