Give a little, owe a lot. Part 1
I've been thinking a lot about giving lately.
How much do I give?
How much do others give me?
How do I respond to what I'm given?
How do others respond to what I give them?
How much do I give without being asked?
Do I ask for too much?
Is the amount of what I give too little?
Is what I have to offer less valuable than what others give?
The list goes on, even if it's not written down, and what I realize at the end of the list is that comparison is the worst kind of measurement.
The truth is that I don't always have a lot of material things. I've been on both sides of the financial fence: well off and broke. I have worked three jobs at a time and I have been unemployed without unemployment insurance. I have lived with family and lived alone in a two bedroom condo with all the trappings. Call me lazy or uninspired but where I am right now: broke and needy, paycheck to paycheck, no car and very little in the way of wardrobe, I'm the happiest and most peaceful I've been in a very long time. Happy and in peace, that is, until I start thinking about giving.
In the past I've relied on family and friends to help me get through some tough times. Initially I think I tried really hard to "help out" to make up for what I was taking, using, borrowing, or how I was being helped. Since I didn't have a lot of things I gave what I could - most often this was my time - babysitting, cleaning help, help with projects, or homework, or accounting work. When I had money I would give that, when I had things I would offer them, but most of the time I reciprocated or paid back with some sort of service or help with something. I was happy to give it. Helping others, giving back... it made me feel like I was contributing, it made me feel like I was making a difference in another person's life. I enjoyed it.
But in many of those situations I found out sooner or later that what I had to give wasn't as big of a deal as what I was being given. My time wasn't worth the financial help I was given, and even though I repaid the debt I still somehow ended up "owing" those who had helped me. The cleaning or babysitting that I did wasn't considered a "true trade off" because the financial burden or inconvenience counted for so much more than anything I could ever repay. Over and over again in "owing" situations, as well as straight "giving" situations such as gift giving or "treating" someone, I was responded to as if my offering had little or no value. As a result I started to believe that *I* had no value and ultimately I stopped giving, stopped offering, and stopped performing.
But things are turning around. In thinking about giving I've started considering the one or two earthly instances where I have either been given something without expectation of getting anything back, or inadvertently given something and it's been appreciated for what it was. In thinking about those people and those situations I've come to the conclusion that I need to first revisit the idea of "giving" and meditate on its true definition before my personal and circumstantial concept of giving can be reconfigured.
How much do I give?
How much do others give me?
How do I respond to what I'm given?
How do others respond to what I give them?
How much do I give without being asked?
Do I ask for too much?
Is the amount of what I give too little?
Is what I have to offer less valuable than what others give?
The list goes on, even if it's not written down, and what I realize at the end of the list is that comparison is the worst kind of measurement.
The truth is that I don't always have a lot of material things. I've been on both sides of the financial fence: well off and broke. I have worked three jobs at a time and I have been unemployed without unemployment insurance. I have lived with family and lived alone in a two bedroom condo with all the trappings. Call me lazy or uninspired but where I am right now: broke and needy, paycheck to paycheck, no car and very little in the way of wardrobe, I'm the happiest and most peaceful I've been in a very long time. Happy and in peace, that is, until I start thinking about giving.
In the past I've relied on family and friends to help me get through some tough times. Initially I think I tried really hard to "help out" to make up for what I was taking, using, borrowing, or how I was being helped. Since I didn't have a lot of things I gave what I could - most often this was my time - babysitting, cleaning help, help with projects, or homework, or accounting work. When I had money I would give that, when I had things I would offer them, but most of the time I reciprocated or paid back with some sort of service or help with something. I was happy to give it. Helping others, giving back... it made me feel like I was contributing, it made me feel like I was making a difference in another person's life. I enjoyed it.
But in many of those situations I found out sooner or later that what I had to give wasn't as big of a deal as what I was being given. My time wasn't worth the financial help I was given, and even though I repaid the debt I still somehow ended up "owing" those who had helped me. The cleaning or babysitting that I did wasn't considered a "true trade off" because the financial burden or inconvenience counted for so much more than anything I could ever repay. Over and over again in "owing" situations, as well as straight "giving" situations such as gift giving or "treating" someone, I was responded to as if my offering had little or no value. As a result I started to believe that *I* had no value and ultimately I stopped giving, stopped offering, and stopped performing.
But things are turning around. In thinking about giving I've started considering the one or two earthly instances where I have either been given something without expectation of getting anything back, or inadvertently given something and it's been appreciated for what it was. In thinking about those people and those situations I've come to the conclusion that I need to first revisit the idea of "giving" and meditate on its true definition before my personal and circumstantial concept of giving can be reconfigured.
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