The Dixon Discourse

The feeling you should take a chance and risk it all. The notion you should take the leap and risk a fall. An urgency you sense to make a pivotal change. Admitting all that was familiar now seems strange. Seeing something known but in a different light. Standing close but out of reach and out of sight. Willing what should be and holding out all hope. While hoping to avoid the past; the dangling rope. Realizing no mistake except in timing. Stepping back and waiting now, the outcome: rhyming.

Tonight I write; for right and for spite, the trite and the bite, the oversight, wanting to take flight. Tonight I type; taking a swipe, addressing the hype, the time beyond ripe for this healing gripe. Tonight a diatribe, with a fighter's vibe I'm taking a gibe and as I ascribe I cease to imbibe. ...and the big sigh is a sure sign. Time to do this line by line. When I first started this little bit of processing I was one day short of a year in writing again. Of course, now that I've taken some time to re-think the direction of where I was going with this particular train of thought, I have missed the mark by 19 days. Ah well. This one day short phenomenon happens often with me and writing/journaling. One day short of a month, one day short of a week, one day short of a decade... It's as if God has set some kind of one-day-shy alarm clock in me that makes me wake up one day before some kind of deadline that probably only seems important to me. I...

It never ceases to strike me as funny, how people will advertise where they spend money. In this case a sticker to show his allegiance, to the way he drinks coffee and added ingredients. For some like it blended with a base made of dairy: no frappucinos, their calories are scary. Some want the kind with the kicker stuff in it, with milder espresso, there's no way to spin it. Some say they just want to keep business local And Seattle is foreign? (I know, I'm gettin' vocal.) I tend to be one who appreciates variety: a number of places for espresso sobriety. Something somewhat strong at the start of the day, to jumpstart my brain before entering the fray. On the weekends or at night if I'm wanting a treat, a little less punch and a little more sweet. I offer no fealty to one kind or another, I pledge no allegiance to a star or a brother. My fidelity lies with the maker of the bean, not the roasters in Portland, but the One who is Unseen.

A while back I wrote a blog about moving. Okay, let me clarify, because I have moved a lot, and have written quite a bit about moving. A while back I wrote a blog about possibly moving to Texas or Japan: big difference between the two moves, I know. It ended up that I didn’t do either. There was a job opportunity that fell through in Japan, and there was a motivation issue with the move to Texas that the Holy Spirit kept bringing up (funny how He does that). So Japan didn’t happen, and Texas didn’t happen. Eventually there was a physical move to a new house with my parents, then a move to a rental house on my own, then a move to a friend’s house when I had to leave the rental, then a two month move to Portland, and finally back to my parents’ house because Portland didn’t pan out. Wow… I’m thinking back to my blog about being a nomad… Now I’m on the cusp of moving again, only this time it’s a revisiting of a past possibility: not Sushi (Japan) but Tex Mex (Texas). The motivation isn...

The words were there, on the tip of my tongue, but the breath wouldn’t come. The pain was there, In the pit of my stomach, But I wouldn’t die from it. Exasperated, sighing: I played the game. Frustrated, lying: The outcome the same. The angst was there, in the clench of my jaw, because it is always this flaw. The regret was there, At the raise of my hands, I rebel against my own commands. Disgusted, ashamed: played by a user. I trusted, deranged, I’m being a loser.

I wish you would just leave me alone. It would make things so much easier. There would be no more anger or frustration over replies and shoulda saids, and I could deal with not knowing because it would mean a clearer head. I wish you would just walk away. So I don’t have to be the one to do it. There would be no more questions about feelings or fears of saying too much, and I could finally move on and really be free from stupid crushes and such. I wish you would just leave me alone. It would make things so much easier. I wish you would just walk away. So I don’t have to be the one to do it.

I would have crossed the mountains for you if you would have given the word. I spoke my heart in the letters I used but your eyes and ears never heard. My being was piqued from the moment we met a bittersweet testament to the rise and the fall - the loss of it all the friendship I "never had" with you.